What You Pay For

"Surprise" Pregnancy

2011-02-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

Candida writes:

My husband and I talk about starting a family all the time, but can't ever commit to a start date. We've been married for over a year and the questions from family members are getting to us. Since we can't just get down and DO IT already, I would like to surprise him with a BFP. We've been having unprotected sex, but we avoid during my fertile time of the cycle and I know this because I chart. I was thinking of just going with the flow for a few months and we'll see what happens, and then he'll be super excited and surprised when I do finally become pregnant. I think the idea of actually trying makes him anxious, so that's why he's still not quite there yet physically even though he wants kids. SO anyway, when I do get pregnant, I wanted to think of fun ways to give him the news! Any ideas would be appreciative, I want him to be as happy as I am to have babies together!!!

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. No wait, I do. The best way to make sure he's as happy as you are to have babies together is to LET HIM BE IN ON THE DECISION.

Do not--DO. NOT.--surprise him with a BFP. Wanting children is not the same thing as wanting children now. Sure, there's never really a "right" time to have kids, but there sure as hell are a lot of wrong ones. When the only way your husband can be convinced is when you don't give him the choice? Wrong time.

While we're on the topic, there are plenty of good reasons to start a family. Because the questions from family members are getting to you isn't one of them. If someone is rude enough to bring it up, smile sweetly and tell them to mind their own business.

As far as dealing with your desire to start a family, try sitting down with him and having a serious conversation about when and why and how. Maybe he's he has a particular goal he wants to reach before you start a family, such finding a better job or owning a home. Maybe there's something he's always wanted to do that he thinks will no longer be possible once kids are in the picture, like traveling the world or starting a rock band. Address his concerns calmly and rationally, and make a plan together that helps you both reach your goals.

I won't even address fun ways to give him the news, because if you do it right, it won't be news to him.

Awkward Questions from Exes.

2011-02-03T12:40:00.000-08:00

Shannon writes:

I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 years and we plan to get married eventually, no pressure to make definite pans. We're very happy. Recently, an old flame contacted me via facebook because he's going through a divorce and I guess he needed an ego boost. This was a guy I had dated right before my current partner. I obviously did not work out and there were a multitude of reasons.

So, old guy asked me if he could ask a personal question. He knows I am in a relationship and didn't want to offend current, but I said to go ahead and aske. He wanted to know if our sex had been any good when we were together.

SO I replied that yes, it was good, and I had no complaints when we were together. I thought that was okay to say since it was true and has no effect on my current relationship.

Then he started to say that I was the best he ever had, and asked me if my current boyfriend was better tham him. I decided to end the conversation right there.

But I wonder, what would have been the right thing to say? Do I tell him that current boyfriend is the best that I have ever had? Or do I tell him it's none of his business? I didn't want to hurt his feelings because he's going through a rough time, but I also don't want to hurt my current boyfriend if he were to ever find out what the old bf and I ever talked about. What do you think?

You did the right thing by ending the conversation. There is no good way to answer that question, which is why it should never be asked.

Wedding Planning Rots Your Brain

2011-02-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

Concerned Bride writes:

My wedding is coming up this September. We've found a Catholic Church and a priest to marry us. Problem? I am planning from 2500 miles away so did most of my booking via phone and email and just called priests that the church recommended (they don't have a resident priest) and said okay after chatting with the first one on the phone.

We went and met with him when my fiance and I were home over Christmas. He is extremely old. He even made a few jokes about passing away before our wedding. Would it be inappropriate for me to get in touch with the coordinator at the church and see if there is any kind of backup plan in case our priest does, in fact, pass away close to our wedding? I imagine all the paperwork with the archdiocese will have his name on it so I'm not sure if that would be an issue...

This is a new one. Really, brides will find the silliest things to worry about when planning their weddings. I remember spending more than one sleepless night just terrified that I'd made the wrong decision when I ordered my dress in ivory instead of diamond white. I'm not exaggerating. Weddings do crazy things to people.

But calling the church to make contingency plans in case the priest dies is overboard. If his age is the only factor making you nervous, I'm going to go ahead and give you permission to move on to worrying about whether the table linens will match the bridesmaids' shoes.

Really, a 42 year-old priest could get hit by a bus next week. A 92 year old priest could live to 102 without getting so much as a head cold. Age has less to do with dying than we like to think it does. In the unfortunate event that your priest does pass away before your wedding, I'm sure there will be another priest in the area willing to fill in on short notice. In fact, my guess is it will be a lot easier to find a replacement for a priest than it would for say a photographer or DJ. Oops. Did I just stress you out again?

Time Off for Job Interviews

2011-02-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

Sk8ter Girl writes:

I have a job, but it's not doing what I want to keep doing for my entire career. It's in the same field I want to be in but the growth opportunities are not anything I would want for my future. I want to start looking for another job but my problem is that I have very limmited vacation and sick days and it's hard to schedule my interviews. I have two places that have called me back when they saw my resume but it's going to be hard to get out of work because the times they BOTH can see me are during my normal work day. Aside from an extended lunch break, which is not allowed without a doctor's note, how can I get around this issue? Any suggestions would be great. I am afraid to let my boss know I am looing though, because I like my current job and don't want to lose my position if I am unable to find something else.

Sacrificing a little vacation time is just part of the job hunting process. Since "limited" means different things to different people, I'm not sure if you're talking about not wanting to cut a day off your two-week trip to the south of France this summer, or if even getting a long weekend is a struggle. Either way, you need to decide for yourself whether another day off at some point this year is worth however many more months you end up stuck in a job you don't want. Another possible option could be adjusting your hours to cover the missed time. So if you're out 3 hours for an interview, come in early or skip lunch for the next three days, and you should be even.

In terms of telling your employer what you're doing on your time off, you really shouldn't owe them more than "I'm taking a half-day next Friday because I have an appointment." If they demand more, they deserve to be lied to ("the plumber's coming"). I take issue with any company that requires a doctor's note for a long lunch. They shouldn't be surprised that their employees are looking elsewhere.

Thank You Notes

2011-01-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

Grateful asks:

Is two weeks too long to wait to send out my thank you notes for my bridal shower? I have been sick ever since my shower, and finally sent them out about 10 days later and my fiance is complaining that I may have waited too long and I should have asked him to do them if I wasn't able to get them out right away. Do you think my guests will be offended? THANKS!!

I say no. Technically, thank you notes are supposed to be written within a day of receiving the gift, but these days, so many people neglect their thank you notes completely that I'm sure your guests will just be happy to hear from you whether it's one, two, or four weeks after the shower. In general, I wouldn't consider someone delinquent on shower thank-yous until the week of the wedding.

Kudos to your husband-to-be for offering, though. You've got a keeper.

Just. Don't.

2010-12-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

Kissie Rose writes:

My stomach is pretty furry. I am pregnant with my second baby and realized that the hair on my tum tum is very obvious. I am getting maternity photos this time around, but am embarrassed for the amount of hair the photographer (and my husband!!!) will see! Should I get my stomach waxed or should I try a depilatory? Any suggestion is appreciated.

The best advice I can give you is not to get bare belly maternity pictures. Seriously. Don't do it. You're not even comfortable with the idea of your husband seeing your bare stomach right now. And even if you were able to get rid of the hair, how will you feel about stretch marks, varicose veins, and your inside-out belly button?

You can still get maternity pictures, just get yourself a cute maternity top (and pants!). Believe me, you will enjoy and appreciate them so much more, and you'll be able to share them with friends and family without ridicule.

Be Thankful That This Isn't Your Mom

2010-11-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

Marie asks:

I loaned my daughter $10,000 four years ago with a repayment plan of $100-200 a month no interest. I came into a large inheritance and offered to loan her the money so she could pay for her tuition for college. She has paid back about half, but now I lost my job and need my money back. She is unable to pay more than our originally agreed amount but when we made the agreement I was gainfully employed. Sure, I made some frivolous purchases that ate up a large chunk of my savings but that never seemed like my daughter's business. She said that I should not have made certain purchases, and that if I were not able to taker her repayment deal I should not have agreed. Now I have only $6k left, no job, so now I need her to pay me back faster. How can I ask her to double her monthly payments? She claims she cannot take a personal loan to give it to me in one lump sum.

Your daughter. You have a contract, and she's honoring her end of the deal. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on hers.

And honestly, if you have no job and only $6,000 to your name, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Even if your daughter could give you all the money back in one payment, how long would it last you? A month? Two weeks? You've already demonstrated that you're not good at handling money, and asking your daughter to go into further debt to bail you out is just plain selfish.

Go get a job. Plenty of retail stores are hiring for the holiday season. Use the money you earn to pay for necessities (food and shelter). Take whatever's left over and SAVE IT. Then, take the $1-200 per month that your daughter is paying you back and SAVE IT.

Then maybe, just maybe, the next time you find yourself in a similar situation you'll be able to take care of yourself.

Caring for Aging Parents

2010-11-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

Angie R. writes:

You're going to think I am a horrible person. I love my mother in law, but her hygiene habits are nonexistant. It's not entirely her fault, because she's elderly and has a very incompetant bladder. I dread wen she comes over because of the smell that follows her. Her clothes do not seem to get regular washings, so something lingers in the air. I also cannot control how often she visits when I am not home, so often my home is not ready for her to visit. Because of her legitimate medical issues with her bladder, she constantly leaks, which means I either have to rewash my floors when she laves, or shampoo the livingroom carpet, or shampoo my dining chairs because they are fabric. I already keep a liner on my couch which gets people to mock me, but it's the only way my couch remains unstained. I cannot be insensitive, and I know my husband is embarrassed for his mother, but what can I do? She doesn't take our advice on wearing protection, and I cannot force her to sit in one spot when she visits without moving. She sees a doctor regularly, but she's and adult and I cannot force her to get more help. Is my only option to tell her to stay home???

I realize this is an unpleasant subject to bring up with someone, but you and your husband owe it to his poor mother to get her some more help. If you have to shampoo your carpets after she leaves, imagine the state her own home must be in. What happens when she goes to a store or a restaurant, or rides in someone's car?

If she can't manage to clean up after herself or wash her clothing on a regular basis, she's in no state to be living on her own. You need to start taking steps to provide for her care.

Aging is a difficult process for everyone involved. People who were once able-bodied and capable have a difficult time letting go of the things they used to be able to do. Adult children of aging parents can be reluctant to step into the role of caretaker. But if you love this woman as you say you do, you need to do what's best for her. And as we all know, what's best isn't always what's easiest.

Cutting her off by telling her she can no longer visit will make her feel bad and do nothing to improve the situation. Talking to her honestly and helping her get her problem under control will make her feel bad and then make her better. Which do you think is the better option?
Start with a frank conversation about what she can and can't do at this stage in her life. Accompany her to doctor's appointments to make sure she understands any diagnosis, treatment, or other instructions. Buy her a package of Depends and tell her she has to wear them in your house.

She's going to think you're treating her like a child. You and your husband are going to feel like you're dishonoring her or being ungrateful for the years of care she provided him. There will be ugly fights and lots of hard conversations. But the end goal is that you improve her quality of life.

Workplace Discrimination

2010-10-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

Hush writes:

I think my boss is discriminating against people who are native Spanish-speakers. We work in food service. The company just hired a new floor manager, He already moved one of the ESL workers to the back of the house instead of her original hostess position. He also made a comment to another worker that one of the Spanish cocktail servers are not the right fit for the look of the restaurant. He then complained that another Spanish speaking coworker frustrates him because his accent sometimes makes him hard to understand. These are not people who are disciplinary problems, because if they were they'd not be working here. What can I do at this point now that I see a pattern? And how does this new guy know I'M not Spanish? SO far he seems to trust my abilities and often asks me to cover the cocktail hours, but I don't think it's fair to the people who have been there longer. But since he is my boss and people have hired him to do this job, I am sure they have confidence in him. So maybe I'm wrong?

First, don't assume this man is above reproach just because he got hired for the job. There are plenty of bad managers, and plenty of bigots that work their way into positions of power. "Do you think Hispanic people should be allowed to work the front of the house" isn't a typical interview question. Based on the information you've provided, I think it's safe to say your new boss is exhibiting an ethnic bias, and this isn't a behavior that should be allowed to continue.

That said, this is an accusation that could potentially cost your boss his job, and it should not be made lightly.

Pay attention the next few times you're at work, and try to document every time he disciplines or makes comments about an employee's behavior. You have to be sure that he's treating the Hispanic employees differently and that he's not just and equal opportunity asshole. I'm not saying you need to walk around with a tape recorder in your pocket--in fact, don't. Just jot down a note when you notice him complaining about or mistreating someone.

Also find out if whether or not you're alone in this observation. In my experience restaurant employees like to gossip, so if you can avoid it, don't bring your suspicions up. Just wait for someone else to mention it. Regardless of whether or not he's acting intentionally, if employees are troubled by his behavior, it constitutes harassment. Finding out if others share your feelings is a good gauge of whether or not you're overreacting.

When you're ready to take action, do a little research. If you work for a large chain or franchise, the corporate office will likely have a hotline you can call to report abuse. If it's a privately owned restaurant, you may need to find a way to speak with the owner.

I'd Be Fed Up Too

2010-10-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Fed UP writes:

How do I get my husband to shower more often? I have to practically beg him every few days to get into a shower, and he sometimes thinks because he works long hours that it interrupts his down time. That's fine, but my sheets smell so bad and I have to change them more frequently than I'd like to. Plus I have to remind him I won't have sex unless he's showered and he doesn't care it seems. He'll shower if I ask him to fool around, but I'd sometimes like for him to be showered and ready without me asking. And no matter how hard I try...I ask nicely, I remind him he's a grown up and grown ups shower every day or every other day, I even tell him that I would like more spontaneous sex and it's not happening with his hygeine habits. It is fixed for about 2 weeks and then he goes back to the man who then makes me nag him into a shower. He's not depressed, just lazy. I don't know how else to explain to him I prefer him to be clean.

This is just gross. I assume his showering habits didn't change after you got married. So WHY did you marry a man who can't take care of basic hygiene? Does he brush his teeth? Does he shave? You can shower in 5 minutes. The claim that it's eating away at his down time is just ridiculous.

And how does this prioritization of his down time affect your division of household labor? I can't imagine that anyone who can't bother to clean his own body ever even thinks about the dishes, or running a vacuum cleaner.

I have a hard time believing this doesn't affect other aspects of his life. You say he works long hours, but what does he do? I can't think of a single work setting where it wouldn't be noticed if someone wasn't bathing themselves regularly. Dirty, smelly people don't get raises and promotions like people who wash do.

So what should you do? First, you should get him into counseling. You may not think he's depressed, but there's clearly something wrong. Maybe talking to an impartial party will help him realize it. And until he turns himself around, I have no problem with giving him a little passive-aggressive taste of his own medicine. I don't suggest you stop showering, but you can stop shaving, stop doing his laundry, and stop doing the dishes. When he realizes how annoying it is to live in filth, maybe he'll change his ways. Immature, yes. But sometimes immature people can't be dealt with maturely.

To Bar or Not To Bar

2010-10-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

Tina asks:

I have been arguing with my future in laws, and I disagree with them. I have been to many weddings over the years and it is absolutely disgusting to watch wedding guests getting drunk, simply because the booze is free and flowing like water. And if any of these people have a car accident on the way home from the reception because they are drunk, guess who is liable?

We are planning a beautiful wedding and my family are NOT drinkers. There will be a champagne toast and wine with dinner. Other than that, if our guests need to get drunk in order to enjoy themselves, they can hit a bar on their way home, ON THEIR OWN. We are not going to provide them with free liquor and we are not going to be responsible if they wrap themselves around a tree on the way home or harm someone else on the road.

How did I get my in laws to understand that I do not want to fund the all night party line? The "tradition" of getting sloshed at wedding receptions and expecting the bride and groom (or their parents) to provide and pay for free liquor should be stopped. Please help, thanks!

Ultimately, the amount of alcohol you serve at your wedding is up to you (or the person paying for your wedding). In that regard, you are right to make the decision for yourself and your in-laws are wrong to demand more of you. Stop discussing the issue with them. If they bring it up, let them know that that part of the reception has already been planned and you're on to choosing table runners now.

However, unless you keep the company of extremely classless people, I think your characterization of "sloshed" guests and assumption that people only get drunk because the booze is free is overblown. I have been to many weddings, and while there are always a few people who overindulge, the majority of guests drink enough to maintain a happy buzz throughout the evening. They also generally drink no more or no less than they would if they were paying for the alcohol themselves.

Think about it this way. Weddings are happy, celebratory events. Drinking makes people feel happy. It makes shy people more willing to get out on the dance floor. It makes tables full of people who don't know each other well feel better about socializing.

As an adult hosting a party for adults, it's only polite to offer adult beverages. If you're worried about those who overindulge, you can instruct your bartenders to be strict about over-serving. If you're worried that underage guests will get served, you can again instruct your bartenders to card everyone. For the record, it's the servers of the alcohol that could be held liable if a guest wraps hims car around a tree, so it's in their best interest to be vigilant.

And consider this: if the people you are inviting to your wedding are the types to get sloshed in the presence of an open bar, they're not going to be pleased to find out one isn't available. Be prepared for cousins and college friends to show up with flasks, for Aunt Gertrude to hide the bottle of table wine under her skirt, and for those who weren't able to secure their own source of booze to leave early.

Shenanigans!

2010-10-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ann writes:

I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.

Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??

Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.

Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.

But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.

More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.

So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.

Sometimes.

2010-10-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Funbags:

Do you ever want to just scream at the people who write to you to stop being such whiney simpletons?

Sometimes.

Apartment Living

2010-10-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

Annie asks:

Hey there! I just moved into my first apartment after college. It's great! But I think i have a slumlord landlord and need advice. First, the toilet starated to leak a week after I moved in, and the landlord had a plumber to fix it that day. Then I told him that the drain was moving slow in the sink when I brushed my teeth, and he bought Drano to "fix" the clog. It works fine now, but still drains a little slow and the landlord said it is because the sink is small it's only 18 inches and a small bowl, and that once the water is turned off from the faucets that the water actually goes down the drain just fine. I don't know why the plumber could not come back, but whatever, I guess the landlord didn't believe me? So then I called back a week later to let him know that the tub drain was also moving slow, and water was draining slowly when I finished my shower. And he said to try using the rest of the bottle of drano to see if it unclogs. I have not used the drano yet because I called a plumber on my own to ask advice and the plumber told me never to use harsh chemicals on drains because they corrode pipes. So I have not used the Drano. Should I call a lawyer to get them to write a letter to the landlord demanding he call a plumber to fix my broken tub? I thought that landlords are supposed to fix problems that tenants have, and I should not have to keep asking him to call plumbers for faulty bathroom pipes, right? Do you think this is grounds to get my security deposit back and move out?

Of course the plumber is going to tell you not to use Draino. He gets paid more if he has to come in, right? According to ask the builder, it would take years of active Draino use to corrode your pipes to the point of damage. I'm sure you're not planning to rent this place for the rest of your life.

Also understand that different homes have different quirks. If you're thinking of moving out over this you're in for a rude awakening when your next apartment has a creaky stair, and the one after that has a flickering lightbulb, and the one after that has a draft near the windows. You can't expect the plumbing to work perfectly all the time. Your landlord is not a slumlord for choosing effective DIY fixes over hiring professionals for every little problem.

Management 101

2010-10-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

Kip writes:

I don't know what to do. I am a manager and I get great reviews at work. I have a wonderful rapport with the group of people I work with. lately work has been stressful. I have an assistant who is rarely reliable, and who manages to slip under the radar by making other people catch her mistakes so she won't feel the heat. It is to the point that my immediate superior is not confident in her abilities. However, they cannot let her go because there's never been any documentation of her mistakes. SO now I feel like the burden of the department is on my shoulders because this one is unreliable, and I am working long hours to make up for the job she's not doing. I am afraid to say anything because management positions in my field are hard to come by, and I am scared they will fire me for not being flexible. I've been asked to change my shift at the last minute, sometimes being told to go home and come back later, because the assistant cannot be relied on to get things right. Should I just be happy they have confidence in me, or do I have the right to tell them I can't do these long hours anymore? I can't find anywhere that lets me know my rights as a worker in the United States.

Well, Kip, it's time to manage. This isn't about your rights as a worker, it's about your ability to get your team to perform. Think of the confidence your supervisor will have--and the job security you'll gain--if you can take this unreliable employee and turn her into a success.

This means that instead of covering for your assistant, you need to start holding her accountable for her mistakes. Just because nothing has been documented before doesn't mean you can't start. Let her know her work has been unsatisfactory--and don't wait until review time to do it. I'm a strong believer that performance ratings should not be a surprise. If this woman is used to having other people pick up her slack, and hasn't been reprimanded before, she may not even realize how little confidence in her you have. Provide her with specific items to improve on, and a means to measure success.

I'm going to guess that other employees in your office don't particularly enjoy being thrown under the bus, so it shouldn't be difficult to convince them to stop taking falls.

Just keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to make this assistant a good employee, NOT to get her fired. Sure, if her performance doesn't turn around, you'll now have the documentation necessary to terminate her, but as a manager, the better your employees look, the better you look. Getting rid of her fixes the short term problem, but doesn't guarantee that her replacement will be better. On the other hand, helping her improve will win you both a lot of professional respect.

Tread carefully, as people don't like to be told they're doing a bad job. Frame your requests and your criticism wrong, and she's not going to be motivated to do better. In fact, she may end up doing worse.

Whoa Baby!

2010-10-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hot and Bothered asks:

What can I do? My husband is never in the mood for sex, and it's been about a month since the last time we were intimate that way. He just is afraid that because I am pregnant, it is dangerous, even though he logically knows different. BUT I caught him in the livingroom 3 times in the past 2 weeks "molesting himself" (sorry!) while watching porn. SO I know he wants to have the fun, just not with me. I tried sexy outfits, I tried explaining that it's nt dangerous, so I guess it's just me? Does this mean I should be considerate and wait until after the baby is born and our sex life now is in the coffin? Or is there anything else I can do? I am starting to feel really self conscious, and not sexy at all, because I know my belly is getting in the way so it's a constant reminder that he just doesn't want me that way anymore.

First, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about. If your husband doesn't recognize the beauty of your pregnancy, then he has problems that are bigger than your sex life.

He may have a legitimate--though irrational--fear that needs to be dealt with. Since your assurances that sex is safe aren't getting through to him, try taking him to your next appointment, and have the doctor explain it to him. If that doesn't work, the doctor may be able to suggest other ways for him to get over his phobia.

More importantly, tell him how you feel. Again, if this is caused by a phobia, he may not realize that rejecting you is hurting your self-confidence. Talk it through and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

You may decide to wait until after the baby is born to have sex, but I wouldn't wait that long to talk. In the chance that his problem isn't actually motivated by fear, you're prolonging the issue. There's always a possibility that more excuses will pop up as time goes, so you want to deal with this now.

2010-10-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Annie asks:

I'm in a bad financial situation these days because I just found out I lost my job. I didn't get paid any of my leftover sick or vacation time because the company went bankrupt so I am stuck. I recently went to a wedding and gave a generous gift of $200, but regret doing that this past weekend. Is there any way I could ask the couple to give the money back due to my circumstances? It would really help until unemployment kicks in since I have to wait a week for that, and my rent is due and I can't be late on that of course. Thanks!

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Unfortunately, there is no polite way to ask someone to return a gift. Do you have a close friend or family member who can float you a short-term loan to cover you until your unemployment kicks in? If you've been on-time with your rent up until now, you could also try contacting your landlord and explaining your situation. It's possible that he or she will grant you a short extension.

In the mean time, I'd start focusing more on finding a new job than on trying to get back gifts you've given to friends. If you're at a point where $200 will make or break you, I wouldn't focus on finding something in your field so much as finding anything. With the holiday season coming up, it's a great time to get temporary retail work. You still won't have a paycheck in hand before rent's due, but at least you'll be able to be back on track by next month.

Couch Potato

2010-10-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

Cori writes:

My boyfriend likes to eat while he watches TV. He always has a bag of chips or a sandwich or something. He gets salt and grease and pizza sauce and everything else all over the remote control. It grosses me out to touch it. I keep a box of tissues on the side-table so that I can use those to punch the buttons, but that is annoying. How do I get him to stop?

Ewwww. I don't think I could date someone who was too much of a slob to wipe his hands off before touching the remote. If that much gunk is getting on the remote, think of what's lurking between your couch cushions. I'd put some serious consideration into getting a second TV for the kitchen, or else a new boyfriend.

I assume you've already tried asking him nicely to use a napkin? If he refuses to change his ways, you may have a larger problem on your hands. Sloppyness at that level usually isn't limited to the living room, and I honestly don't know that I could date someone who wouldn't clean up after himself.

It's time to set some serious boundaries, such as no food outside the kitchen. However, be warned that if you're not willing to leave when things don't improve, you don't have a lot of bargaining room. Decide just how much you're willing to live with, and act accordingly.

The Bachelor Party

2010-09-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

Izzabella writes:

My husband is going to be an usher in one of his old college buddy's wedding in a month and wants to go to the bachelor party, but the bach party is going to be a two-night trip over 4 hours away in a hotel with who knows what going on. If he was single, I can probably see why he'd want to go. But he's married (obviously, if he is my husband) and I don't think it's appropriate for a married man to participate in debauchery. I think that he should be the example and stay home with his family, maybe go to meet the guys for lunch or dinner the second night and then come home. He thinks that this is a tradition and he should participate because he's in the wedding and that is what the men do. But he won't tell me what they have planned because he said it's a bach party and women shouldn't be involved, I should just trust him. It's not that I don't trust him but I just don't think it's right for a married guy to spend a weekend pretending he's not married. How can I explain this to my husband without making it seem like I want him to not have friends??

I think, ultimately, your comfort with your husband's participation in this party comes down to what exactly will be going on during it--and he doesn't seem willing to tell you. That, to me, is a red flag.

So tell me, does "pretending he's not married" mean staying out until 4, getting drunk, and passing out on the bathroom floor? Or does it mean spending his last paycheck on lapdances? Because there's a big gap between the two.

Explain to your husband that his hesitation to tell you what they have planned doesn't warm you to the idea of his participation. Marriage is about openness, honesty and understanding. So try to compromise: if he can be open and honest about the plans, you can be understanding. If all they really want to do is drink beer and eat nachos, maybe you can let him hang out for a few days. If they want to see how many strippers they can get to sleeping with them in 48 hours, I can see why you wouldn't be too excited.

Probably the reality falls somewhere in between these two scenarios. So ask yourself. Is it okay for your husband to be in a strip club if he's not a participant in the festivities? Is the prospect of not being allowed to go emasculating to your husband? Do the two of you have that large of a disparity in values?

The key here is communication. Let him know exactly what you're not okay with, and why. And listen to him when he tells you what he wants to do with the guys and why it doesn't change how much he loves you. Once you're able to be clear with each other, you can come up with a solution that's acceptable for both of you.

Let's Try This Again

2010-09-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Unimportant was not too happy with Kate's response. Because I like to smooth feathers, and because our inbox is empty, I'm going to take another stab at this one.

Here's his comment:

OK, I'm sorry I said she isn't fat. Because now it's apparently not only wrong to call someone "fat", but "not fat" as well? How the hell is a guy suppose to get it right when everything is wrong? I only added the fact because any time I ask someone for advice on this the first thing they say is, "Well, IS she fat?" or if they know her, "Well, she COULD afford to lose a few pounds."

And I get the whole society thing, I'm out numbered so I shouldn't even bother. But WTF is this...

"You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman."

So now it's my fault because I find some people to be attractive and others not? I'm to blame because I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is? Aren't we suppose to be attracted to our partner? I don't get it.

Or maybe I do get it. Don't bother trying because you can never get it right. You'll always be wrong because you're just a stupid pig/dog/man.

Thanks, that helps.

First, I'm not going to disagree with Kate's assertion that you're unknowingly contributing to the problem. That doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a victim of society the same way your girlfriend (and everyone except for Kate) is. It also doesn't mean you should stop trying.

To Kate's point, when you say things like "She is not fat as I define it," "She is sexy to me," and "I find HER to be incredibly sexy just the way she is." You're making qualifications that imply that your opinion is different from everyone else's. Your girlfriend is hearing "Yeah, most people think you're fat but I don't care." As much as it sucks to admit it, when you stack your opinion against everyone else's, your feelings are less important, especially to someone who is self-conscious about their body.

So what can you do to change this? Drop the qualifiers. "You are beautiful." "You are sexy." "You look hot in that dress." Make comments about her appearance simple, declarative, universal statements. And don't just make them when she's complaining that these pants make her ass look big or this dress makes her look like a circus tent. Tell her when she least expects it.

The more you build her confidence, the less reliant she'll be on what other people think, and then you both win.

Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone

2010-09-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

Unimportant asks a doozy:

Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?

Short answer? You can't.

Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while.

Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?

Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!

That's right. All of society. Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place.

Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?

But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!

And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!

So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.

She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?

You first.

When Hard Times Hit Close to Home

2010-09-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

A sister asks:

My sister recently received notice that her job was being eliminated. This is going to put her family in a terrible financial situation as they were already living on the edge.

Do you have any suggestions of what I could do to let her know that I'm thinking about her? She lives several hours away in another state. Somehow "unemployment sucks" flowers just doesn't seem right. And I don't think she would appreciate cash or a grocery gift card if she knew it was coming from me (and she would, because even if I tried to be anonymous I'm the only person she knows that would mail something from this zip code).

This is an unfortunate situation, and one that's very common these days. It's hard to provide financial support to a friend or family member without making them feel like a charity case. If you don't think you sister will accept cash or a grocery card, then it's not the right gift to give in this situation. Flowers, while nice to receive, do little to actually help the situation.

If you want to help your sister, but you don't want her to think you're pitying her, I would send gifts rather than money. For example, the weather is getting colder, and growing children always need new clothes. The less your sister has to spend outfitting her kids, the more she'll have for gas and groceries. How about some cute hats and scarves, with a note that says "Saw this and thought of little Bonnie, love you!"

The upside of this is that it provides your sister and family with things that they want and need. By adding a little fun to their lives, you're helping them more than just financially. Money problems are a huge source of stress, and when you're tight on cash, the fun things are the first to go. Lack of fun leads to more stress, and soon you're in a vicious cycle of misery.

I wish your sister a quick job search.

Let Me Guess, You Can Quit at Any Time?

2010-09-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

Shalon asks:

i keep a bottle of water in my drawer at work, but instead of water it's filled with vodka. I like to have a nip or two throughout the day, and often will add it to my lunchtime Hi-C fruit punch for a little bonus kick. I think one coworker smelled it on my breath recently because she asked me if I had anything to add to her drink because she had a snapple peach tea, but i told her NO. I think she sees me taking random sips from my desk water bottle and grew curious and now thinks I am the office bartender or something. Is there a more discrete way to keep my "water" bottle to myself?

You're an alcoholic. Either that or you're in high school. Really, you keep your booze in a water bottle and mix it with Hi-C?

I don't generally have a problem with drinking at the office. Occasionally grabbing a beer at lunch with friends or celebrating a new contract with champagne is perfectly acceptable. The difference between these examples and your situation is that you're drinking alone, and you're ashamed enough to make pathetic attempts at hiding it.

It's quite possible that your co-worker asked you to share not because she wanted a drink, but because she wanted to discreetly let you know that you're not fooling anyone. If you want to keep your "water" bottle to yourself, leave it at home. If you can't do that, seek the help of a professional.

Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....

2010-09-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

Jessie writes:

My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?

Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.

Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom.

You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.

But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.

I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.

If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man?

And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias.

Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.

Cooking With Christy and Kate: Favorite Foods

2010-08-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Danette asks:

How much pudding is too much pudding? I love pudding, my favorite is chocolate. Also, what are some creative uses for pudding?

I believe there is no such thing as too much pudding. I suppose as with any food, you should stop eating when you are full.

At the risk of not being creative enough, I am going to assume you're asking for edible uses for pudding. The Jello website has tons of great recipes using their instant pudding.

Wow. How Do You Treat Your Enemies?

2010-08-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

Stella asks:

We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?

If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.

However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."

Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.

More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.

Why Grammar Is Less Science, More Art

2010-08-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Curious and Glamorous writes:

Why does the u in glamour move down the road when it becomes glamorous? Are there other words that work this way?

"Glamour" is the British spelling of "glamor". The u doesn't move; you're just mixing your spellings. It's "glamourous" in Britain.

Other words with extra u's include color, favorite, and honor (colour, favourite, and honour).

The deviation started in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when English spelling was first codified by the publication of dictionaries. According to Wikipedia, Brits follow Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language, while Americans looked to Webster's An American Dictionary of the English Language.

Commenters claiming non-codification or differences in codification as reasons spelling shouldn't matter will be summarily mocked. Especially if they spell anything incorrectly.

But We Still Don't Know Why the Chicken Crossed the Road.

2010-08-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

The Riddler asks:

Why does the ocean roar?

You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.

That's Sexual Harassment, and You Don't Have to Take It

2010-08-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

Vinette writes:

One of the supervisors here in my office has a rapport with the ladies who work under him. They constantly joke and tease one another in a harmless way. However, it bothers me and I am not sure if it bothers me because I have a legitimate complaint or because I just feel like letting something bother me. Hopefully you can put me in my place if necessary.

They make sexually charged jokes with one another. While I find that the people involved in the jokes don't mind - and he only jokes with members of his own team - I am not sure how the people who can hear the jokes feel as this all happens during regular working hours on the work floor and not in the breakroom.

I started to get annoyed when he went to one of the lady's desks to tell her he "could smell the bacala" which referenced her stinky vagina. They all laughed and it's a constant joke with them, but teasing one another around me about the smell of a vagina is inappropriate during work. I am not sure how uncomfortable I am for all of that, but it definitely is not something I want to hear while I am working.

However, because he's not my immediate superior, and because his team doesn't mind, I wonder if I just need to let it go and ignore it. I do not interact with this man because I generally do not have to, and he's never rude. I just don't care for his jokes about female body parts and gender roles. So you think this is something I should report to HR, or is it something I should just let go because I am not involved?

I am lost only because I get along wit my coworkers in genera, and don't want to be the one who ruined everyone's fun times during the workday. They may have that casual relationship and who am I to ruin it for them, ya know?

I am shocked that you work at a company that has an HR department but does not have some form of sexual harassment training. It should be common knowledge to anyone working in a professional atmosphere that this behavior is unacceptable. Even if all parties directly involved in the joking are comfortable with it, they're creating a hostile work environment for everyone around them. If the supervisor makes you uncomfortable, the issue needs to be addressed.

Talk to your HR representative. Every conversation you have should be kept strictly confidential, but it wouldn't hurt to let your rep know that you do not want to be named in the report. At the very least, you'll be starting a paper trail that will follow this guy in the event that his behavior escalates.

Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.

2010-08-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Lucie writes:

I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen?

Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!

So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.

Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal.

Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.

And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day.

Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.

See If You Can Guess Our Theme Today

2010-08-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

Erica writes:

An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook. Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me. I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently. We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.

When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again. I hope your life is good." He didn't write back. A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding. In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.

So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding. He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.

Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding? I feel sorry for his new wife. No bride should have to be a runner-up.

What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.

You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me.

Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies.

Stay out of it.

Sure You're Not

2010-08-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Perplexed writes:

My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen. To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy. I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him. However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him. Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?

Methinks thou doth protest too much.

Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?)

The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears.

No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken.

I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it?

It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching.

Best Letter of All Time

2010-08-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

Kevin asks:

I've been with my partner (we'll call him Jim) for three years now. We are very happy together and I thought we were moving toward a long-term commitment. Two weeks ago we were visiting his sister and brother-in-law. I came back from a walk and found Jim thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalog that had arrived in his sister's mail. He put it down suddenly when he saw me and started talking about the weather or some such nonsense. And then today I could swear that he was making eyes at the young, attractive and very female Macy's associate at the mall. Does this mean that he might be straight? How do I ask him without upsetting him?

Bravo, man. Bravo.

Keep the Letters Coming

2010-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Seamus asks:

So are you guys bored or just not getting very many letters because you used to post several a day, or several over two days and now we just see one every other day if we're lucky??

We are certainly not bored, we just haven't been getting as many letters as we used to. Admittedly, we're saving a few in the inbox for particularly slow days or weeks, but in general we answer questions as we receive them.

If you haven't received an answer to your question yet, rest assured that you will get a reply. And if you have a question about anything, send it in!

Tuesday Quickies!

2010-08-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

Jannie writes:

My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?

I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine.

Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!

# # #

Susie asks:

Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?

For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals.

More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum.

# # #

Ashamed And In Love writes:

My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.

If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".

If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.

Elevators Are Like Common Courtesy Vacuums

2010-08-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

Tired of getting run into asks:

Ok, so is it just me or does common courtesy dictate that when exiting an elevator, if you are all getting off on the same floor, the people in front should exit first?

This happens more often than not at the elevator for my parking structure at work. We all are getting off on the same floor as we are all heading to work. I have been closest to the door, and when the doors open? Wham! Someone runs into me to get off before me.

Please tell me there isn't some unspoken rule I don't know about...

For some reason people lose all respect for other human beings when they're in an elevator. It's a strange phenomenon, but I've witnessed it time and again. You are absolutely right to be annoyed with your rude coworkers.

For the convenience of all our readers, I've compiled a refresher course on elevator etiquette. If you have more Do's and Don'ts, please leave them in the comments.

1. When waiting for an elevator, stand to the side of the doors. When the doors open, allow anyone who needs to to exit the elevator before you enter.

2. Hold the *&%$# door. If you hear footsteps rushing to the elevator--or worse--someone yelling "Hold it, please," why oh why wouldn't you wait for them? Are you in that much of a hurry to get to your desk?

3. Exit the elevator in a courteous and orderly manner. If it's a crowded elevator, allow the people closest to the door off first. If you're standing in the doorway but not getting off, step to the side and allow others to pass. If the elevator is not particularly crowded, women and children should be allowed to exit first (because chivalry is not dead).

4. If you are able-bodied, never take the elevator down one floor. If you are able bodied and the building is fewer than 5 stories, never take the elevator up one floor. If the building is greater than 20 stories, never take the elevator down fewer than 5 floors or up fewer than 3. All buildings have stairs. Oftentimes, the stairs are faster than waiting for the elevator. And who doesn't need the exercise?

5. If you are taking the elevator to a place that has metal detectors, and you are alone in the elevator with a woman, do not start unbuckling your belt before the doors open. That's just creepy.

Who Said Marriage Was Hard?

2010-08-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

Patricia writes:

My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time. He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch. The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.

Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters). That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up. And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married. This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents. Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."

And it went on, over the next two nights. He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship. Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out. For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it. He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.

He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs. I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue. I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.

Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible. He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework." (He would usually come home to do this.) He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30. He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.

I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this. He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that. I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues. While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.

We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive. But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead. He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking." He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.

I'm at a loss. Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs). My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help. But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me." I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out. We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife. There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.

I value your input. Please give it.

The short answer is yes. I think it's too soon for you to take drastic measures. Your husband has been under considerable stress and pressure for months, and the two of you have been having problems for a week. Did it take you longer than a week to decide to get married? Why wouldn't you give divorce the same consideration?

Marriage is a life-long commitment. I don't care if right now you think you made a mistake. You still have a responsibility to honor your vows. The only way you'd get a pass from me is if staying in the marriage was causing you harm.

You say you're on his side, and that you support his career aspirations. But do you really? You don't speak to fondly of the last couple months when his schedule was busy. You complain that sharing your home and providing moral support to him are "the downsides" of marriage. And when he chose to work from home instead of going to an event you complained that the time you spent together wasn't quality. It sounds to me like he knows you better than you know yourself, because you are not on his side here.

And let me just say--my husband works 80-100 hours in a slow week. I know what it's like to wish he was home more often. I also know that his drive and intelligence are two of the things that attracted me to him. If he didn't work as hard as he did, he wouldn't be the man I love. I appreciate every moment we get to spend together, even when we're both staring at our respective computer screens. Would you believe that being understanding of his schedule makes him less stressed out in his free time, which leads to more quality time for us? This is a situation where you need to adjust your expectations and choose your attitude.

I will grant you that he should have been more honest about his goals before you were married, and it was silly of him to think that putting a ring on your finger was going to magically change your relationship with his family. But it takes two to make a marriage work, and you are both going to have to give a little here.

Counseling is a step in the right direction, and the fact that you're already finding it productive is a good sign. No one is going to fix your relationship in one 50 minute session, though. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you. So start working and stop looking for the easy way out.

Googling is the New Eavesdropping

2010-08-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

R asks:

I happened to find some stuff a supposed "friend" said about me on the internet. I was playing with Google, looking up my name, my boyfriend's name, etc. to see if things like facebook come up, and I put in my close friend's name. We arae not besties, but we're pretty close and talk almost on a daily babsis. If not on the phone, then by email. Well, I found out that she's been saying things on a forum using a name that pretty much gives herself away and also uses her signature pic as a pic of herself so I know it's her. She has told some things about me that I felt were confidential, and NEVER thought she'd tell them to anyone let alone the internet. I know what you put online is public info these days, but I thought you can still confide in a good friend. Hopefully no one we mutually know sees what she has said but just like I found her, to me there's always a chance someone else did and these things she is talking about are embarassing and personal.

I also by the way, found out some pretty disgusting personal things about her and her husband's relationship that have to do with their sex life from her posting it online. I want to know if I should confront her, or let it go? What should I do!!

Let's not pretend you stumbled upon this stuff accidentally. Unless she's using her full first and last name as her handle on an internet forum*, your search went beyond just typing her name into Google. What were you hoping to discover, and why? It sounds to me like regardless of how often you talk, you aren't actually very good friends.

Her sex life is none of your concern. Her choice to share it with the internet at large is also none of your concern. In that regard, you have nothing to confront her about.

The personal info she shared about you is your concern. If you want the stories removed, you're within your rights to confront her. Simply let her know that you found what she said about you online, and you'd appreciate it if she'd delete those posts because you'd rather not have personal identifying information out there. Understand that she will likely be embarrassed for having been caught, and could take that embarrassment out on you. So, confronting her has the potential to be friendship-ending. It doesn't really seem to me like this is a friendship worth saving anyway.

*If she is, in fact, using her full name on an internet forum, this is a whole different problem. In this case, you're going to want to point out to her the dangers of having too much personal information available online. Remind her that everything she writes can be easily found by family, friends, and potential employers.

Wednesday Guest-day

2010-08-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Christy and Kate were equally stumped by this question, so we turned to someone more knowledgeable on the topic. Guest blogger Jake kindly helped us out, and here is the letter and his response. * If any of our lovely readers has more to add, please do so in the comments. The more advice on this topic, the better.

Cynthia writes:

Hi guys!

I have a serious question for you. Do you know of support groups for children of molestation? I have found therapy totally useless, and am not sure where to go from here. It was only recently that I fully became aware of what happened to me. I cannot truly explain how, except it just hit me all of a sudden. I initially started seeing a therapist who, after my 5th visit, still did not know my name and continued to give me "homework" in the form of reading materials. I left and tried another who had a different method but still didn't feel it was the right fit. Truthfully I've never been much for traditional ways, so this may play into my disdain and short attention span. I realize therapy isn't perfect and it certainly isn't instant but I felt as though I was just the 3:30 - 4:30 slot that needed to be filled rather than an individual.

My husband is a good ear, but I feel like I have a lot more emotions than I can possibly express to him, and he was very fortunate to never have experienced anything of this nature growing up.

I attended Alanon for a while and found that helpful but not sure if that would really come across the same for something like this.

I consider myself a pretty grounded adult. I am in a healthy relationship with a man I trust and respect and who I know trusts and respects me.

Going back to what I said before however, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. In truth, I am not sure I want therapy. I suppose all I really want is to check myself against some sort of growth chart and make sure I'm doing ok. Unfortunately there's no such thing in this instance.

I mostly have small concerns about how I am progressing. I spent a few days crying and losing sleep about it. I let myself believe momentarily that I was somehow different than I had been just a few days before when it all seemed like a dream. I finally decided that was ridiculous and began making strides forward to keep myself from sinking down into a depression or wallowing in those emotions too long.

Now it's been about two months since the initial realization and I'm ready to talk to someone, but not a traditional therapist.

Frankly, I'm afraid to google this sort of thing.

Hi, Cynthia. Here are my thoughts:

On the topic of Therapists: When I got therapy I was lucky. The therapist that my mother found was a perfect match for me. The first time I met her it was like meeting an old friend. Also, my therapist was actually a specially licensed counselor in my State specifically for abuse and she focused mostly on childhood abuses. So perhaps the poster needs to look at the kind of therapist she is seeing.

Finding the right therapist can be difficult but potentially worth her weight in gold plated latinum. Finding the wrong one is easy, there are lots of them, but it shouldn't take more than 1session (2 sessions tops) to figure it out. Trust your gut on this one. Just remember that a therapist's primary job is to ask the questions you don't want to answer. So before you dump her, you need to ask yourself, "Am I uncomfortable with this therapist, or am I uncomfortable with the nerve she's hitting?"

However, therapists are not always useful. If you don't feel like you are getting anything out of it at the current time then maybe you need to wait for a while (unless you like throwing away money). When I first started seeing my counselor I went once a week. Later on I went once a month and then sporadically when I felt the need.

On the topic of recovery: It is a long, long road so thinking that you will go to a therapist or a self-help group and somehow magically get better will just lead to disappointed. There is no magic fairy dust and suddenly you are whole when once you were pieces. It's the kind of thing where you trod along the path putting one foot in front of the other day after day. Then one day you glance over your shoulder at the path and realized how far you've walked. It's not a "BING", but more of a "huh, imagine that".

It is also like riding on the swells of the ocean. Sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down. Hopefully over time the ups get longer and stronger while the downs get smaller and shorter. There were plenty of times when things had gotten better for me and I though, "this is it, I'm done," only to be dragged back down. But over time my ups got less dramatic, less ecstatic, less manic, less like a drowning man breaking the surface of the water to gasp a breath before sinking back into the cold black depths. Slowly my ups got longer, and more "normal".

Also you can be glad that you have a good husband. I know from experience that your partner is like the filling in a life vest: a good one is air, a bad one is lead shot.

I support none of the following, they are just options for you:

If you're into 12 step programs: http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

Just a couple of the many online support options:

http://www.ascasupport.org/
http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm (has an interesting victim/survivor/thriver chart that may be of use)

*Full disclosure: Jake is Kate's husband. If you're interested in guest-posting here at WYPF, drop us an email or use the form on our Contact Us page.

That's Not Your Problem

2010-08-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

Stef writes:

My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?

So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?

Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.

The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.

You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.

Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?

Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?

If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.

This is no way to live. So stop living it.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

It's Not Easy...

2010-08-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Sessily asks:

I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.

There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.

The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.

Fun With Etymology

2010-08-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

Curious Kat writes:

Where does the word "dingbat" come from? it's one of my favorites.

While today the word "dingbat" is commonly understood to refer to only two things - stupid, flighty people and printers' characters - the first known use of the word is from 1838, when it was used to refer to an alcoholic drink. The word is of unknown origin, but belongs to the family of words we use when referring to something whose proper name is unknown: thingumabob, doohickey, gadget.

According to Dictionary.com, the word has, in its history, meant: "money," "a professional tramp," "a muffin," "a typographical ornament," "male genitalia," "a Chinese," "an Italian,""a woman who is neither your sister nor your mother," and "a foolish person in authority."

"Dingbat!"
"That's what she said!"

Bet I Can Guess His Grade-School Nickname!

2010-08-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

Serena asks:

How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.

On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright?

I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either.

When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future.

Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room

2010-08-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Rosalita asks:

Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?

I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).

Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.

That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.

2010-08-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

Alvina writes:

My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.

No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.

If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.

Wait, Parent Is A Verb?

2010-08-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

Eekers writes:

What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"

Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.

Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.

But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.

Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too.

The Pitfalls of the Information Age

2010-08-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

Fran asks:

HELP!!! My wedding website is on my STD but no one is using it to check out the hotel accomodations for my out of town wedding, and they keep calling me and asking me for informaiton, and I tell them to just check out the website because all the informaiton is there, but they say they don't have time to do that. So I end up letting all these calls go to voicemail because *I* don't have time to instruct people how to do the internet. I even made sure instructions were clear: There are 2 hotels, the addresses and phn numbers are listed. The proximity to the airport, the rates for several room types at each property, and the cancellation policy, and the number to call in order to book the rooms, and the name and group number for the blocked rate we arranged. We also have an RSVP feature that tells them to add their name if they want to be added to the rooming list if they did not book with the group. My wedding is in 3 months! HOW can I make it easier for them, and FOR ME???

Unfortunately, one of the less fun aspects of hosting a large event is dealing with redundant questions from guests. A lot of people don't have access to high speed internet, and many--especially older generations--may really not understand how to access the information you've provided. There's nothing you can do to change their behavior, and so instead we turn to changing the way you react.

To make things easier on yourself, have the information handy in a printable or email-able format to provide to anyone who calls with questions. That way, instead of spending 30 minutes waiting for Aunt Mary to remember which little icon thingy to click to get to the internets, you can let her know that you're mom will give her the list of hotels when they meet for dinner next Sunday. For close friends or relatives you speak with often, a casual email is appropriate. You could even snail mail the information to the extreme Luddites.

And here's a little piece of bonus advice: leave your cell phone at home on the wedding day. It sounds like you might have the type of guests who wouldn't think twice about calling in the middle of your hair appointment to get directions to the church.

How About That Sense Of Entitlement?

2010-08-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Annry asks:

I recently bought a dress on Ebay from a local bridal shop who seemed to be selling dresses at a low low price. The dress I wanted retails for $2500, but I bought it online for only $750 and transfered my money from my bank account, shipping was free with the buy it now option. They said the dress would arrive in 3 weeks, but then 6 weeks came and went and they did not reply to my emails. I decided it was time to go to the store in person and they had no record of my dress. What is worse is, they also said they do not sell discounted dresses on Ebay and there is nothing they can do because apparently someone took the name of their store without permission and is claiming to sell dresses! It's a scam and they had other brides come in who had done the same thing. I was furious, and felt that they should still honor the order I placed because it was in their company's name! They said they can offer me a discount if I wanted to order the dress I wanted, but then I'd actually pay more for the dress because of the original price of $750 I already paid. How do I get the store to honor this agreement and just order me the dress I want???

Why do you think the store owes you anything? They never made an agreement with you, some anonymous scammer on the internet did. Having their name used illegally does not make them responsible for the sale.

It sounds like you just learned an expensive lesson in how to do business on eBay. Never, ever bid on a big ticket item without doing your research. And I'm not just talking about looking at the seller's rating. Read the feedback, look at the sale history, contact the seller.

You know the old saying, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"? Did you wonder why a local store would sell dresses online for a third of what they sold for in store? Did you call the store to confirm the sale?

The bottom line here is that you were careless. It sucks to get scammed, and I'm sorry it happened to you, but it's absolutely not up to the store to take take the financial hit for your mistake.

It's time to start focusing your efforts on more constructive ways to fix this problem. First, report the scam to eBay. They can't catch everyone, but obviously it's in their best interest as a company to keep scammers off the site. Also, depending on your payment method, you may be able to get at least a partial refund. PayPal offers some limited scam protection, or your credit card company may have a way to reverse the sale. So contact them and see what you can do about getting your money back.

This is Probably Not the Answer You Were Hoping For

2010-08-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Christine writes:

I have a question, how can I get my boyfriend to be nicer to me in front of other people? I am non confrontational so I will let things go until we're home alone, but when we are around other people I just give him a look and so far it's not working. I don't know how to approach the subject. For instance, I once tripped over a phone cord that was hanging from the phone to the wall jack, and the phone was on the table. My boyfriend said, "Jesus, clutz, watch what you're doing!!" and his mother was there and told him to not be so harsh. I tried talking to her about hs attitude but she didn't want to get involved. And again I bought a new car and certain things are new to me! So I was talking to his sister and I told her that my car uses so much more gas when I have the air conditioner on, and he went out loud, "OH DER!! No kidding!" His sister came to my defense and said that he should be nicer because I'm a girl and don't know that much about cars. So now I feel like his family knows he can be nicer but they don't want to help. What do I do? He's really cool and nice otherwise.

Just so we're clear, your telling me that when your boyfriend isn't being verbally abusive, he's really cool and nice. Okay. Dump him. He's being verbally abusive. I guarantee you can find a really cool and nice guy who's not going to give you crap for everything you do and say.

If his family isn't willing to step in, they're enabling his bad behavior. Why would you want to be around people who do this?

Read this next part twice so it sinks in:

You are too good for this. Everyone is too good for this. The only way that this man will learn he can't treat you like this is if you don't allow him to treat you like this. Every day you stay with him, you're allowing it. So dump him.

Maybe (and this is a huge maybe, so don't get your hopes up) he'll see the error of his ways, he'll realize you're worth changing for, and he'll seek help. If that happens, then you get to decide whether or not giving him another chance works for you. I wouldn't recommend it, though. People like this rarely change.

The Bed is the Least of Your Worries.

2010-08-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

S. A. writes:

My fiance became sick recently with really bad flu symptoms. He was hospitalized for 2 days because of the fluids he lost and they thought it might have been a form of meningitis. Thank goodness he's home and getting better, but he's still feeling sick. I offered to stay home with him and even had the time approved, and we live together, but my future mother in law insisted I save my vacation time for the wedding. Well, this was fine, until I came home to find my future mother in law giving my husband a bath in our master bathroom, and she was in her bra and panties. My jaw dropped and I went to leave when she apologized for letting herself in my home unannounced. She recovered when I walked in the bathroom and said she got her clothes wet helping him into the tub, but her clothes were laying on my bed (MY SHARED BED WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND) and they were completely dry. I think it was very awkward for my fiance as well, and he hasn't said anything about it. Do I dare think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship? I mean they seem like a normal family, but it's not like my husband still has a fever or anything and is fully capable of showering by himself when I was home the day before with him.

I'm concerned that the part of this story you seem most upset about is that your future mother-in-laws clothes were on your bed, and not that your future husband was naked in a bathtub with his mother. Yes, you should think he and his mom have an inappropriate relationship. I wouldn't even take the time to ask him about it, I'd be too busy packing my things and getting out of there as fast as humanly possible.

The Name Game

2010-08-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

Lainey asks:

Help!! I don't have a problem taking my husband's last name as a woman, you know? I WANT to be Mrs. His Last Name. But my finace just proposed (YAY!!) and I think he has the ugliest last name imaginable. It's never crossed my mind before, but I don't want to be known as Mrs. Schnitz, which is hella ugly!! How do I tell him I don't want to change my last name because his is so ugly?? I would rather keep my name and have our kids go by Schnitz Baker and then just Baker in school because Schnitz is so weird. I don't want to hurt his feelings!

So you've been dating this guy long enough to get engaged and whether or not you'd take his last name never came up in conversation?

At the end of the day, your last name is your decision. If you want to keep your maiden name, you really don't owe your fiance any explanation beyond "it's my name and I'm keeping it." When it comes to your children, however, it's a touchier subject. He has just as much right to share his last name with his children as you have to share yours. And there is no way to tell him his name is weird without hurting his feelings.

There are some compromises. You could change both your last names to something mutually agreeable. Some people give their sons the father's last name and their daughters the mother's last name.

Or, you could embrace the funny last name and make it your own, so to speak. I know plenty of people who have potentially awful last names that really seem to enjoy them. My own maiden name is virtually impossible to spell or pronounce, and when you say it correctly, it sounds like you just sneezed. But I loved it, and I was happy to have a last name that not a lot of people had. I changed it not because I found my husband's name any more or less desirable, but because I wanted our family to share one name.

Think about it this way, if your children's last name is Schnitz, you won't be tempted to name them things like Neveah Imunique Baker to make them stand out.

Quickies!

2010-07-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

Lamonica writes:

My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.

Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so.

She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all.

Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch.

# # #

Kipper writes:

What is that white slimy, stringy stuff that comes out of our eyes? I am obsessed with playing with it! It tickles when i pull it out of my eye. But if it's bad to do I will stop.

Um, ew. That sounds like pink eye, frankly, but I hope you're just referring to regular eye discharge - what little kids might call "eye boogers" or "sand", from the Sandman.

Discharge not associated with an infection like pink eye is often a reaction to an attempted bacterial infection or some irritant in or near the eye. Makeup, an eyelash, even dust can result in excessive eye discharge.

In general, discharge is not harmful. You should seek medical attention if it's yellowish, seals your eyes shut, or continues throughout the day.

# # #

Val asks:

I like to keep my lady business bare. But recently my husband has mentioned switching off once in a while and having something there to look at. the grow out process is a bitch! What do you think about cutting an inch or so of hair from my head and making a little temporary wig out of it? I could even buy colorful wigs that go on your head and repurpose them. Pink, blue and purple sound fun. Is it possible?

I have one word for you: Merkins (link may not be SFW). A merkin is a pubic wig, and if you Google, you'll find plenty of places to buy them in all colors and sizes and styles. Enjoy!

Just don't burn it and you're fine.

2010-07-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Lem asks:

I love toast, Have any good resipes?

I love toast, too. Usually I eat it with peanut butter and honey as a mid-afternoon snack. But, if you're looking to get creative, there are plenty of awesome ways to cook bread:

How about delicious French Toast from Pioneer Woman?
Or if you like Italian, try this Bruschetta by Giada De Laurentis.
Prefer good old Amurrican cuisine? Here's Bobby Flay's Texas Toast.

And if that's not enough for you, Dr. Toast (a musician), posts all kinds of new and interesting toast recipes on his blog. Check it out.

I'll Bet Her Breasts Are "Dirty Pillows"

2010-07-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

Salvatrice writes:

I am embarrassed. I like my husband's thing, but sometimes I don't want to touch it just yet because of the goo coming out of the one end. I asked him if it was an STD because I am not so sure what kinds of things men deal with, and he said no. I don't know if I believe him. I keep tissues by the bed to wipe it off before we do it. Do you think this is a sign he cheated and caught a disease? I was a virgin but I am not sure he was when we got married because he said he was, but now I am not so sure because I did not see it leaking goo in photographs. Help. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to catch an STD either!

OK, people, listen up: This is what you get from abstinence-only sex education. This woman can't even call a penis a penis.

Salvatrice, that "goo" is probably pre-ejaculate, also known as pre-come. It helps to lubricate the urethra to make a safe, clean pathway for sperm. It is perfectly healthy, and a normal part of intercourse. The amount of pre-ejaculate varies from man to man, but almost all men produce at least a little bit. For some men, the amount is linked to arousal: the more intense and arousing the foreplay, the more pre-ejaculate he'll secrete.

Pre-ejaculate can contain STI pathogens, but the presence of sperm in it has been found to be rare.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you invest in several basic sex and sexuality handbooks. A quick Amazon search for "sex and sexuality" brings up over 2,000 results. Read them cover to cover, and if you have more questions, seek out more answers. You can also consult a professional sex educator or sexologist in your area (Google "sex educators" with your city and state) and ask what s/he recommends to help you learn the basic facts about sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.

DO NOT watch porn for answers. Porn is very helpful in discovering kinks and predilictions, but it will be useless in helping you discover the facts about basic human sexual function. You need good, solid, medically-based information, and you need it yesterday.

Understanding basic sexual functioning and learning the proper names for body parts will, I promise, do wonders for your sex life, too. Once you're comfortable with the basics, you'll be able to explore your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. But without a grounding in the basics, you'll never be able to discuss sex like the grown adults you are.

And to anyone else reading: This is why basic sex education is important. Every person should have access to basic, age-appropriate, medically accurate information about sex. I was lucky enough to have comprehensive sex ed in school, but there are plenty of other ways to get this information. Sex columnists like Dan Savage, websites like Scarleteen and Carnal Nation, and books like The Joy Of Sex are all excellent, sex-positive, accurate resources.

No one should go to her marriage bed calling a penis a "thing" and a normal secretion "goo".

Wedding Disaster?

2010-07-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Jazzmyhnn asks:

HELP!!! I forgot to put "AND GUEST" on my invitations for the guests I invite as singles but they are allowed a guest - How will they know?? Should I resend a retraction???

Whoa. Let's dial it back to maybe two question marks and no exclamation points. This isn't that big of a deal, and certainly doesn't require resending anything (particularly a retraction, which is technically the opposite of what you want to do).

Give the invitations a few days to arrive, then call your single guests to apologize for the oversight and inform them that they're more than welcome to bring a guest if they'd like. Done and done.

I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It

2010-07-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Help! writes:

My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.

My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.

We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.

Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.

But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.

But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?

Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?

Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.

When Family Gatherings Collide

2010-07-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

Secret writes:

My wedding was yesterday. It was, well, there are no words. One of my mother's cousin's died in a horrific car accident last Wednesday, and it was a sad time for everyone. The funeral was planned by her children, for yesterday morning. We reluctantly decided to go through with the wedding since it was only several days out and so many of my new husband's family was in from another state to see us get married. They did not know my mom's cousin.

Well, many of my mother's relatives thought it was disrespectful for us to not cancel the wedding but we did not have insurance to get our money back. Some called my mother the evening before to see if we were cancelling, some flat out told her at the funeral that they couldn't sit and pretend to be happy for us when we were pretending that nothing more than our day was important. I swear we don't!! So about 45 of the guests on my side of the family did not show up to the reception and the room was quite empty, the guest list was only about 125 people. We would have considered cancelling if we knew we'd have to pay for 45+ no show guests and lose all of that money.

But regardless of all of that, since the money would have been spent anyway, should I issue a formal apology to my mother's relatives for going through with the wedding? We attended the funeral the morning of the wedding to show our respect so we cannot understand why so many guests decided to stay home to prove a point. Please help. We're sad we decided to get married that day after all if it was going to cause a family rift.

Yikes. That's a terrible situation to be in.

I think you were right to go ahead with the wedding. You don't say how close you or your mother were to this cousin, but I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't very. You attended the funeral that morning, you paid your respects. I'm not sure how cancelling your wedding would have shown more respect than that. I doubt it was an especially raucous affair: who wants to party hardy when they've just been at a funeral?

Your relatives are grieving, and grief can do strange things to people. I would let the subject drop until you have a reason to contact or see these relatives again - and then wait for them to bring it up. If they ignore it, they probably feel terrible for getting angry with you, but aren't sure how to go about apologizing themselves. If they apologize, accept gracefully; if they yell at you, apologize to them. Keep in mind that this isn't really about you at all: it's about them, and how they're dealing with the loss of a loved one.

You Mean Living in a Society Means I Have To Deal With People?

2010-07-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Elsa asks:

Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.

I grant you that it's annoying when people take up an entire walkway and either walk slowly or just stop. But I'm not on board with the stroller hate.

There's a nice double standard here, where you don't want to be inconvenienced by people with children, and yet you expect them to inconvenience themselves for you? I'm sure everyone would love to pay a babysitter every time they need to run to the store for a gallon of milk. And the mom who's pushing 30 pounds of baby, stroller, baby gear, and shopping bags should be happy to take a minute and a half to struggle through a heavy door when it would have taken you 5 seconds to hold it for her.

Jesus be some common courtesy. You get out of this world exactly what you put into it. If you want to have a bad attitude, go ahead. Sneer at and slam doors on new moms. Let us know where that gets you. You might find that when you start treating people with charity and respect you'll be met with genuine appreciation and kindness. Maybe then you won't get so unduly angered by stupid things.

Babies, Babies, Babies!

2010-07-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Mary writes:

My friend is newly pregnant, so I listen to her explode with joy over her news, rightfully so! It's an exciting time for her! But no matter what we are talking about, she manages to either bring up her pregnancy or change the subject to start talking about it. I don't think I can take another 7 months of this! How do I cope without turning and walking in the other direction when she passive-agressively brings up her pregnancy again? I mean, it's not like I am going to forget she's pregnant if 5 minutes go by and we don't talk about it.

Have you ever had something major happen in your life? Gotten married, moved far away for an awesome job - anything like that?

I can guarantee you talked about it all. the. time. I can guarantee your friends got bored with you, but they understood it was a temporary thing, and that you were really excited. They were probably happy for you, and knew that once your life calmed down, you'd have other things to talk about again. They knew, too, that when they had happy news, you'd grant them the same leeway.

Or would you? The fact that you call your friend's preoccupation "passive-aggressive" gives me pause, here. Is she not a very good friend? Is she generally self-centered? Are you?

Pregnancy is a big deal. It is consuming her world, and she may not have anyone else to share this with. I think you're entitled to be bored, and to want to dial it down a little. It's perfectly acceptable for you to steer the conversation away from pregnancy, every time she brings it up. Acknowledge what she's said, and move on. "That's fascinating, Sue. Did you see in the news that ...."

But don't be bitter or angry about this. If it really bothers you that much, you may need to let the friendship lapse - or look seriously at why that might be the case.

I Believe the Children Are Our Future

2010-07-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Elsa writes:

Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.

Didn't you know? Because people with children are more important than you are. Our sacred wombs spat forth the sacred next generation, and because we have to form and mold and teach these fragile little minds, we are entitled to do whatever will ensure that they have the best of everything, including elevator spaces.

Seriously, it's because these people are rude, plain and simple. They believe they're entitled to all the space, and nothing you do is going to change their minds.

That said, there's nothing wrong with saying "Excuse me" when they're invading you, or in pointing out that they've just assaulted you with their wheels. They probably won't give a shit, but at least you will have - politely, please - spoken up for yourself.

Let it comfort you to know that someday, you'll be responsible for hiring and firing their rude, entitled offspring, and will be able to use your power for the good of the rest of us.

The 80s Called

2010-07-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Scrunchie Liker writes:

I love my scrunchies, but they are so hard to find. I know they are shunned, but they are so great when I need to get my long hair out of my face. I have them in an assortment of colors, but the elastic is starting to stretch out and they are all almost to the point of no longer wearable. Are scrunchies that bad, that they are so hard to find in stores?

In a word, yes. There are plenty of more stylish ways to keep your hair out of your face. A cute headband may be a good option, or maybe this is a sign that it's time for a sleek new haircut.

If you don't want to give up your ponytail, rest assured that plain elastic bands have evolved since scrunchies were in style. They no longer have that painful metal bracket, and they come in a variety of sizes, thicknesses, and styles so you can find one that holds your hair back without giving you a headache.

Not convinced? You may not be able to buy scrunchies anymore, but you can always make your own.

Wedding Gift Etiquette

2010-07-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

Matilda asks:

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I ordered a gift off of their registry and had it sent directly to them at home, however it likely won't arrive before the wedding. Should I take a card to the wedding? If so, should I make mention of the gift in the card so that they don't think I stiffed them?

These days, it's less likely for people to bring gifts to the wedding than it is for them to have them shipped. According to Emily Post, wedding guests have up to a year after the event to send a gift. If yours has already been ordered, it will likely arrive in a matter of days or weeks. The bride and groom should think you stiffed them simply because you didn't bring a gift to the reception.

If you don't feel comfortable showing up empty-handed, a card is certainly appropriate. You may find it a convenient way to provide the couple with either a gift receipt or the tracking information for the shipment. If they're going on a honeymoon, they'll want to have the post office hold their packages.

Why Wouldn't She Want To Clean Up After Someone As Sweet As You?

2010-07-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

Nestor writes:

My wife is so lazy. We share house chores and I end up doing the majority of the stuff like laundry and garbage and dishes. She does some things also and we both work full time, but she took a week off from work just to take vacation days and ended up spending the week watching TV and filling out crossword puzzles. I would have preferred that she used her vacation for a trip we want to take rather than sit on her butt all week and do nothing. And then I get home from a long day of work and the dishes have piled up in the sink and the garbage is full and smells. I can understand wanting to rest, but how can I get her to see that she needs to at least clean up after herself like an adult? I am about to stay with my parents to show her that she needs to learn how to take care of the house just like I do.

So, just out of curiosity, who is cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn...you get my drift. Is it possible that you're so preoccupied by moaning about the chores you hate that you're losing sight of the things your wife does do?

Have you tried discussing your current division of labor and reassigning chores so you don't feel like you're stuck with all the bad ones? Your suggested solution of moving out before you talk like adults leads me to believe that you're not as right as you think you are.

The vacation issue is another situation where you need to use your words. Does your wife know you'd like to go on a trip? Have you actively discussed saving and planning for it, or do you just talk about it in abstract terms? Many companies have "use or lose" vacation policies, or perhaps her job is just stressful and she wanted a break. You can hardly blame her if she didn't know you had other plans for her time.

Sit down and have a mature conversation. Check the demeaning attitude at the door. Calling her lazy and telling her she doesn't contribute aren't going to inspire a helpful attitude. Start with "Hey, you know I really hate doing the dishes. How about we swap and I'll cook this week if you clean?" Maybe go on to say, "You know how we keep talking about going to Cancun? Let's figure out when we'll have the vacation time and the money and talk to a travel agent." Not so hard, is it?

Panty Raid

2010-07-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Brenda asks:

I have a female coworker constantly diddling around in her pants at her desk. We don't have private offices and I gues she thinks no one can see her even though our cubes are fairly open. She'll reach in there and who knows why. Maybe she has an infection, but this happens too often, I think infections go away with treatment. Should I ask her to stop sticking her hands down her pants at her desk?

Think of it this way: what exactly do you have to gain from telling this coworker that she's gross? All you're doing is making an awkward situation more awkward. If what she's doing isn't particularly annoying (ie, she's not making an obnoxious noise or emitting a foul odor), then I probably wouldn't say anything. I also wouldn't shake hands with her, or touch anything on her desk.

Just Cause

2010-07-26T01:42:00.000-07:00

Stretched-too-far writes:

A few years ago I casually signed up for a volunteer position that I thought would take a few hours per month. Little did I know that this would turn into a part-time job every summer. The past two years I struggled through thinking that once we could get a few more volunteers, my work load would decrease. This year we finally have more volunteers but it hasn't been better at all. Now I have lots of work to do and lots of volunteers that mess up, don't do their jobs and make my job more difficult.

I don't enjoy this volunteer job and although it is a very worthy cause, I am not very passionate about the charity I'm helping. I find myself resenting all of the hours that I put into it.

So what is your advice? Should I quit? If I do, how do I break the news? I can't help but feel like a big baby when this is such a worthy cause.

It sounds to me like your kindness is being taken advantage of. At the very least you've been going above and beyond for over two years and should feel no guilt about moving on. As a volunteer, you owe this charity no more than what you're willing to give them. Worthy cause or not, if you feel like your time would be better spent on something else, then you're well within your rights to quit.

It's not easy to walk away from something like this. You don't want to feel like a quitter, and you don't want to disappoint the people who really are passionate about this cause. But think about it this way: the cause deserves your best, and if you're unhappy with what you're doing, then your best isn't what they're getting.

Is there anything else you can do to stay involved to a lesser degree? Perhaps you could offer to work a specific annual event, or you could decide that instead of giving your time you'll increase your financial contribution. See if there's a way to stay involved without wearing yourself out.

As far as breaking the news, you just have to be direct. Talk to the charity director or whomever you report to in person, and tell them that due to personal commitments you'll no longer be able to work for them in the same capacity. Have a specific end date in mind; agreeing to stay on until they find a replacement gives them little motivation to find someone. You may want to offer your services for a smaller, lower stress position, or to let them know they can keep you on their mailing list. Letting them know you still support the cause will go a long way toward not burning a bridge.

Good luck.

iPod People

2010-07-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Sasseroni asks:

I hate that my husband wears his IPOD everywhere: when he walks to to the store a few blocks away, or rides public transport and even falls asleep. I am so afraid something will happen to him and he's unaware of his surroundings. He thinks I am overreacting. Am I???

Maybe a little bit. I'd be more concerned about long-term hearing loss than the likelihood of his getting mugged. For a quick walk to the store in a well-trafficked area, or his regular morning/afternoon commute it's not unreasonable for him to want to listen to music, especially if it helps the time pass faster. On the other hand, if he's wearing earphones while he's driving, or while in unpopulated, poorly lit, or unfamiliar territory, you do have cause for concern.

You may want to try to compromise here. Tell him you'd feel more comfortable if he left the iPod at home when he's traveling at night or going somewhere he's never been. Or, if the two of you are going somewhere together, tell him you'd rather him spend the time talking with you.

When he does use the iPod, ask him to make sure the volume is kept do a level that doesn't completely drown out ambient noise. He should still be able to speak with someone sitting next to him, and the people around him should not be able to hear what he's listening to.

I Bet High School Group Projects With Her Were Unbearable

2010-07-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

Edwina asks:

I am cohosting a shower with my BFF because we are co-Maids of Honor at our mutual BFF's wedding. The shower planning is going off without a hitch, but my co-planner (I'll call her M) keeps complaining that we are doing everything on our own. Frankly, the shower is simple and already finished. We just have to show up the day of and make sure everyone has a good time. But I don't get her issue - a couple of the bridesmaids have offered their help if we need anything, and she turned them down. She said that they were only asking in vain and would probably not follow through if she accepted their help. I don't think there was much we could have let them help with anyway. She thinks that they should have stepped up and told us specifically what they would do for the planning and just do it rather than offer vague assistance. I told her to get over it, because she turned them away when they asked, and we didn't need them anyway.

Is M right, that the bridesmaids should be more involved?

No, M is not right. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. Everything else is gravy. It's very gracious of you and M to host the shower, but it certainly wasn't a requirement for you, nor is it a requirement for any of the other bridesmaids to help out.

Of course, the other bridesmaids did offer to help, and M is the one who turned them down. She really has no right to complain. It's certainly not polite to tell the host of a party that you are going to take over some aspect, so her expectation that they should have "stepped up" is ludicrous. Perhaps what she really wants is "help" in the financial sense. In that case, at least she's doing right by not asking for it.

If they offer to help again, perhaps ask each to bring an appetizer or small dessert. I'm a firm believer that a party can never have too much food. If they don't ask again, that's fine, as they were already told--rightly so--that everything is taken care of.

If M continues to complain, point out to her exactly what you've written here, and ask her what exactly it is that she wants. Perhaps then she'll see your point.

To Plus One or Not To Plus One

2010-07-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Yvonne asks:

I am divorced but close with my ex husband's family because we were married for a few years and have known each other since teenagers. I was invited to his neice's wedding with a guest. We have been divorced for about two years now, and my sister told me that it would not be appropriate to show up with a guest, that they were just following proper etiquette. But I have been dating my new man for about 6 months now and feel he is a part of my life and should not be excluded just because my ex husband may be at the party. He and I did not part on the best of terms, but his sister is a wonderful person and we get along great. So is it wrong to bring a date to the wedding?

If you were invited to bring a guest then it is reasonable to expect that your guest will be welcome at the wedding. If your ex-husband's family didn't want you to bring anyone along, they'd have invited you as a single. If your new boyfriend doesn't have a problem spending a day in the company of your ex and his extended family, you are within your rights to bring him.

However, do consider that this is supposed to be a happy, stress-free day for your ex's niece. If you have any reason to believe that showing up with a date will cause a scene, then it may be best to stay home. This isn't the time to rub your new relationship in anyone's face, nor to prove that you're doing sooo much better now that you're rid of your ex. I'm not saying that these are your motivations, but if they are--or even if others might think they are--it's not worth the drama.

The Brideslaves

2010-07-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

Meredithe writes:

I am getting married in February 2011 and want to know the best way to start scheduling my bridesmaid meetings. We need to discuss the dresses I picked out, their fittings, the days they are available to help assemble my favors of chocolates in a small box with tulle and jordan amonds, and then also to coordinate their hair. As you can see, there will be a lot to discuss. Mass email is so impersonal. I have 8 bridesmaids, and calling them on a conference call is one way. Another idea I had was to send newsletters with an RSVP date so they can let me know if a specific date works for them. Any good ideas?

Let me get this straight. These are your friends; the eight women you feel closest to, whom you can't imagine getting married without, and you want to put them to work? Is assembling favors some kind of an honor now?

There are three appropriate bridesmaids' "meetings": A shopping trip to pick out the dress, a luncheon--paid for by you--to thank them for standing up for you, and the wedding itself. All three are easily arranged through whatever mode of communication you usually use to speak with them. They can arrange dress fittings on their own. You may offer to make them hair, nail or makeup appointments at the same time you make your own, but it's not a requirement.

If they offer further help, you may mention that you have these favors to put together, and offer to provide wine and leftover chocolate if they provide their bow-tying skills for a couple hours. But you can't demand that they do your bitch work for you under the guise of an honor.

You chose these women because you love them and respect them. So treat them that way. It's a wedding, not a business arrangement. Don't lose sight of the fact that the most important thing is that you end the day married with the full support of those closest to you.

'Cause Girls Can't Catch and Are Bad at Math, Right?

2010-07-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

Libby asks:

I'm pregnant and having a girl! My husband is not thrilled and is talking about when we should start trying again for a boy, and I'm still 3 months away from having this one! I'm trying to see how this birth goes before signing on for more. He suggested IVF for gender selection because he did some research for the next kid. How can I get him to see that he'll love the baby and the baby will love him no matter what we have?

It sounds like your husband is experiencing gender disappointment. It's not terribly uncommon for men not to feel bonded to their children until after they are born. It's also possible that he has an easier time imagining a bond with a child of the same sex as he. Going as far as suggesting gender selection for your next child is heading into the extreme territory and would cause me some concern.

Start by talking to him. Ask him why he wants a boy, and what his fears are with relation to having a girl. Be supportive, and let him know that you're confident that he'll be a wonderful father. Ask that all discussions of future children and the possibility of pricy, non-medically necessary procedures be tabled until after you both get your sea legs with this baby.

If, after the baby is born, he continues to have trouble bonding or seems to resent your daughter, then it's time for counseling. I certainly would be hesitant to have more children with him if it meant risking having him favor one over the other.

Thursday Quickies!

2010-07-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Befuddled and Broke writes:

A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?

You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.

Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.

# # #

Jess asks:

My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?

Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."

So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.

# # #

Nicole asks:

My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?

No.

Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.

The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.

I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.

Smelly Coworkers

2010-07-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Slappy asks:

One coworker wears the worst smelling perfume. It's her regular scent. It smells awful when she is next to me whih is quite often. I am allergic to most perfumes, so I often get headaches when we work closely together. Is there a tactful way to ask her to lighten up on the application, or skip it altogether???

This sounds like a job for Nice Critic. I was introduced to this site by a friend just recently. You can anonymously email a neighbor or coworker with various friendly suggestions about their appearance, hygiene, manners, etc. The notes are all worded very kindly, so you can get your point across without being rude and without getting involved in an awkward conversation. Sure, it's kindof hilarious, but it might just work!

If passive-aggressive isn't really your thing, you can use your allergies as a perfect excuse to start this conversation. If you remember Kate's article, How Do I Say It, from back in May, her number one rule for situations like this is to blame yourself. The easiest way to approach a situation like this is to say, "Hey, co-irker, I'm prone to migranes and a lot of times they're triggered by the chemicals in perfume. I know it's inconvenient, but would you mind wearing a little less on days that we have meetings?" By deflecting the problem to yourself, you're softening the blow of the actual statement, which would be, "You smell like crap. Knock it off."

The "Ooops" Baby

2010-07-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

Trading In Her "V" Card

2010-07-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dear WYPF,

I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.

To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.

I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.

While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.

How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?

Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.

- Anna

Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.

Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.

My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!

As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.

Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.

I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.

Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.

You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.

The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!

Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!

Picky Eaters and the Men Who Don't Love Them All That Much

2010-07-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

Clint asks:

I love to try new foods and restaurants but my girlfriend is not adventurous and would rather go to TGIFridays or some other local bar restaurant. I love fried mac and cheese, but I want to propose and don't want to be stuck eating fried mac and cheese on a night out for the rest of my life. How do I tell her that she needs to try new stuff? I was hoping to propose at a new fancy French bistro but she refuses to go because she thinks all they serve is snails and gruel.

Well first, telling her she needs to try new things isn't going to work. It may even make her dig her heels in more. You need to encourage her and assure her that new foods won't kill her. Take baby steps. If she really doesn't think she likes French food, then find an Italian place, or even high-end American. Tell her where you're going is a surprise so she doesn't have time to protest. Let her order what she wants for a main dish, but pick an appetizer to share that's a little more adventurous, and encourage her to taste what you're having.

As her confidence builds, you can try more and more exotic restaurants. Tapas and Mezza are great for picky eaters, because you can try a variety and the portions are small. This way, if she tries something she really doesn't like, there's always something else to move on to.

Keep in mind that you shouldn't completely cut out TGIFridays as an option. Cheap, fried and delicious isn't always a bad thing. Maybe alternate who gets to choose the restaurant each date, or agree that every 3rd date has to be at a place you've never tried. If she's absolutely unwilling to bend, then you have bigger problems. Marriage is about compromise, and if she's unwilling to meet you halfway on this, imagine the fights that will ensue when you're dealing with visiting in-laws or raising children.

And while we're on the subject of marriage, you need to seriously re-think your planned proposal. Why in the world would you want to pop the question in a place where she doesn't even want to be? Is hungry and cranky really the state of mind you want her in for this particular event? This moment is about the two of you together, not about her fitting into some image of what you wish she could be. Surely you two have some common interests; obviously food isn't one of them. Propose at a park or on the beach or in your living room, but for God's sake, not in a restaurant that you already know she won't enjoy or appreciate.

Baby Names and Bad People

2010-07-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Gretchen asks:

My brother's wife wants to name their kid after a relative who was abusive to me but no one really knows this. I thought I put the past behind me, but it's hurtful to know this relative was abusive to me as a child. I can honestly say I am just happy that my brother was not harmed. Is there a proper way to let them know that the name they are considering is bringing back old memories, or should I just deal with it and mind my business?

Obviously, you've kept the abuse a secret for many, many years. To answer your question, you need to ask yourself what's more important: protecting your secret, or not allowing the person who hurt you to be honored with a child named after him.

You can't ask your brother to use a different name without providing an explanation, and you can't predict how your brother will react to this news. It's very possible that your situation will be made public, and will cause a serious rift in your family. For whatever reason, you've chosen to avoid this until now. Will you be prepared to face it if you have to?

For anyone who has suffered abuse, I strongly recommend therapy. You've been forcing yourself to deal with it alone for years, and you deserve some help. I hope it helps you find your answer, and I wish you the best of luck.

This Place Is For The Dogs

2010-07-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Jamie asks:

My sister in law's house smells like dog urine and, well, human waste as well. She rarely likes to open the windows because she thinks she will forget to close them at night. It's torture going over there, especially for meals, because the smell is overwhelming. They only have one dog, but they often forget to take the dog out so the dog pees on the furniture and no one cleans it up. I noticed this when I went to sit on the couch and saw the stains. Her bathroom is also very unsanitary - stains in the shower, mildew buildup, soiled toilet seat. I make sure I go to the bathroom before I leave my house so I won't have to use her toilet unless it's an emergency. She lives alone with her teenaged daughter, and I think the daughter should help with chores to make sure the house is kept cleaner than it is, but my sister in law said she's too busy with school and a part time job to do regular chores. I really don't want to go back over there, but every time I try to just tell her to open the windows for more fresh air "because it's so NICE out!" she replies that she always forgets to close the windows when I leave and promptly shuts them. I am at the point where I am ready to never go back over there, or just invite the sister in law to MY home for dinner and visits. What do you think?

I think never going over there is an excellent idea. I certainly would never eat in a house that was kept like that. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

For what it's worth, if I had a friend or close family member who was living in that degree of filth, I'd be pulling them aside and asking if something was wrong. This behavior is indicative of much larger problems, and it's possible that she needs professional help. Sure the teenage daughter could be helping out, but it's clear that the mother is doing nothing, so why should her daughter be expected to be different?

I would decline all future invitations to her home. If she asks why, I would tell her.

Helping Ailing Parents

2010-07-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Georgia asks:

My mother in law is losing her hearing, and she has the beginnings of cataracts. She also has osteoporosis and uses a walker but barely walks around her house because she's afraid to fall and break something. She lives alone so I suggested to my husband to get her the life alert system. However, none of the siblings want to chip in and it is too expensive for us to take on the entire cost. I know I can't expect them to part with their money, but this is THEIR mom, not mine, so why do I care more about her safety than they do? So my question is, would it be out of line to do some research and see how much the life alert system is if we were to share the cost, per each sibling, or is that too presumptuous?

It's admirable that you want to do something to help your mother-in-law. However, if your husband's siblings have already said they don't want to chip in on a life alert, then it is presumptuous to research prices with the expectation of changing their mind. What you could do is look into her insurance coverage and see what kind of assistance may be available under her plan. Your mother-in-law may also have the finances available to cover her own care, and it's not unreasonable to sit down with her and let her know what she needs to start doing.

There are ways to assist an ailing parent without a financial obligation as well, so don't be too quick to write off your brothers and sisters-in-law as uncaring. If an alert system is simply out of the budget, then suggest that you each make it a point to call or visit once or twice a week, just to check in on her.

The family also needs to face the fact that if their mother is going blind, there's a limit to the amount of time she's going to be able to live on her own. Start the discussion now of how you're going to handle in-home care or assisted living, or whether she'll move in with one of her children. Even if the move is ultimately a few years off, it's best to get the plan in place now so that there's not a lot of arguing or indecisiveness when the time for action comes.

At the end of the day, the amount of time and money you're willing to put into helping your mother-in-law is a decision that you and your husband need to make independently of his siblings. I should hope that each of her children will want to provide the best care possible for the woman who raised them, but fighting over who provides what only hurts her in the end.

Our Apologies

2010-07-15T20:53:00.001-07:00

Posting will be intermittent through the weekend, as both Christy and Kate chose the same week to visit with family. We will do our best to post at least once a day, and will be back to our regular schedule by Tuesday.

Keep the letters coming, we will get to them all.

The Tagalong

2010-07-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Lisa asks:

I can't stand my friend's new boyfriend but I will never tell her this. But the only have been going out for about 10 months and he's practically living with her. He doesn't help her financially I assume because whenever I ask her to do anything she complains she has no money, and tells me how lucky I am to have two incomes (since I am married). She always wants to bring him out with us if it's just the two of us, and I do not enjoy his company. Last time I asked her to come over, she asked if she could bring this dude, and I told her, " I was just hoping we could get together without the guys."

She took it to mean I never want to see this guy. I never told her this in those words, but does she really have to bring him along wherever she goes? So I told her that things are getting serious with this guy, and she said they aren't (WHAT? Why is he sleeping over 7 nights a week???) but this guy is now a part of her life and he should be included. Whe i go over there, she busts her butt cleaning up, and he doesn't so much as move away from in front of the TV except to light another cigarette while my friend takes out the trash. And then I am stuck with this guy talking to me about boring things.

He's boring, he talks too much about things I don't care about, and I think she can do better. But this is not info I think she wants to hear. Should I just dump her as a friend because she doesn't seem to get it, or should I bring up that this relationship seems like it's too much? I don't even know how to approach her. It's not my business to like him or his personality since SHE is the one who has to date him, but for goodness sake, I think I am entitled to ask my friend to have an evening out without her boyfriend tagging along.

And what is wrong with this guy anyway, that he actually comes along with her??? Why doesn't he have his own friends??? UGH!

Remember the old adage "actions speak louder than words?" You may have never told your friend "in those words" that you don't like this guy and don't ever want to hang out with him. But it's obvious that that's the way you feel, and as a close friend, she's probably picked up on it.

Unless you believe he's hurting her, stealing from her, or involving her in illegal activity, it really isn't your place to comment on the quality of her relationship with him. If she's willing to be the breadwinner and do all the housework while he plays video games, that's her perogative. When she brings up the fact that her situation makes her unhappy, then you can try reasoning with her about the guy. Constantly trying to avoid him isn't going to solve your problem, because to her it just looks like you're the one with the problem.

It's certainly reasonable to plan a girls night every once in awhile. If she's never willing to be apart from him then your best bet is to just step back from the friendship for awhile and be there for her when she comes around.

I Fear For Future Generations

2010-07-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

Kitti writes:

Dear advice ppl,

I am having a 3rd baby. My other 2 r boys, but this one is a grl. I sent out baby shower invitations cuz I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and dont got no grl stuff.

My sis called an said it's wrong 2 have a baby shower 4 a 3rd baby, but it's a grl an I dont got no grl stuff.

How do I tell her to butt out?

Sorry, Kitti, your sister is right. It's only appropriate to have a baby shower for your first child, and it's never appropriate to throw your own shower. You're on your own for "grl stuff." Lucky for you, the big ticket items like car seats and high chairs aren't gender specific, and I'm sure you'll find that a lot of your sons' baby clothes are fairly gender neutral.

There are a few people in your life who should be close enough to kindly let you know when your behavior breaches etiquette. Siblings and parents are generally on that list; your sister was just trying to help you out.

Grandbaby Rabies

2010-07-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

Grandbaby Crazy wants to know:

My son and his wife just told us that we're going to be grandparents, and WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!!!

But it feels like we're the only ones who are!

Our other sons didn't react like we'd hoped. We were hoping they'd ask us about our son's baby registry - we even had all the information handy, just in case they wanted to send a gift. And neither of them even asked! (I'm glad I had gifts already wrapped. I just wrote their names on them and presented them to their brother!!)

I'm so hurt. It's like they don't care that their big brother has been blessed not only with a wonderful, enriched life and lovely wife, but also a new child. One son even told me that he wasn't going to have kids EVER!

It's like they're trying to hurt me. They know how much I need grandbabies! I'm so happy that my pride and joy is having a baby, but I'd love to have even more.

How can I get everyone else as excited about the new bundle of joy as I am? You're my only hope!

First off, congratulations on your new grandchild. For many people, new babies are extremely exciting, and this is definitely going to be a wonderful time for you, your son, and your daughter-in-law.

For other people, the excitement doesn't really happen until the baby arrives. If your daughter-in-law is still early in her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised that gifts weren't the first thought to enter your other sons' minds. While it was nice of you to want to "help" by choosing and wrapping gifts for them to give, unless they asked you to do so it really wasn't your place. Have you set up an expectation for your older son that all his brothers want to do is shower him and his wife with gifts? That's really not fair to anyone. You are entitled to give this child everything and anything you want, but make it from you.

As far as wanting more grandchildren, slow down and enjoy the gifts you do have. Greed isn't becoming on anyone. Whether and when to have children is a very personal decision to be made ONLY by the couple having the child. They may want to wait until they're more financially stable. They may have decided that parenthood isn't for them. Or, they may not be able to have children, and constantly hounding them will only add to their pain. Their situations and choices have nothing to do with you and are none of your buisness.

So cuddle the new baby, count your blessings, and keep your mouth shut.

Nope, Not Normal.

2010-07-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

MLP asks:

I have a serious crush on a celebrity. It's bad. I find myself day dreaming about what it would be like if we were friends or what would happen if I ran into him one day in an airport or on the street. I read everything I can about him and have even found his address online and thought about flying to LA to find it (not to break in or anything, just to maybe see him getting into his car). I've sent him a few e-mail messages to what I think is his personal e-mail account, but I never got a reply. I'm thinking of writing him a letter to send through a fan club and sending him a gift of some sort. What can I say that will make him take notice? Or should I just come back to earth and remember that I am just a little nobody in a town he has never heard of?

P.S. I am cuter than that piece of trash he has been dating.

Regardless of how cute you are, this level of interest in a person you've never met is not okay. Celebrities are not the people they play on TV or in the movies. They often aren't even the people they act like when the media is around. You sound like you are seriously confusing fantasy and reality.

It's time to refocus your energy on people you actually know. If you're not capable of maintaining actual relationships because of this crush, then you need professional help.

2010-07-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sarah asks:

I'm expecting a baby in a few weeks. I may not have to return to work right away, but I will eventually. My concern is the babysitting situation. I'm getting pressure from my SIL to let her mother watch the baby because she already watches my SILs kids. The argument is that MIL would get her feelings hurt if we took our child to a daycare provider. The thought of leaving my child with MIL makes me very uncomfortable because she does not speak English. She can't call me with questions or concerns, and if there's an emergency I'm not confident that she'd have her wits about her to remain calm and call 911 or go to a neighbor for help. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to put my child's well-being ahead of my MIL's feelings, but am I being a worry wort?

Ultimately, the decision of whom to leave your child with is for you and your husband to make, not your Sister in Law, or Mother in Law, or even me. It could be that your SIL is pressuring you into this because she doesn't want to feel like a freeloader. Does your MIL really want to be the family's free day-care provider, or is this a situation where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't?

On one hand, she raised your husband and he turned out well enough that you decided to marry him. On the other, if you think her age has brought on physical or mental limitations, you have a valid concern about what would happen in an emergency. Talk to your husband and discuss all your options. Make sure whatever decision you come to is made in the best interest of the child, and not out of whatever issues you may have with your Mother in Law.

If you do choose to go with a day care provider, just be mindful of how you present the news to her. "We want to keep our child as far away from you as possible" won't go over as well as "MIL, you're already so busy and you do so much for us already--thank you, by the way, for the dinner you brought by, Lord knows I'm hardly capable of cooking for myself let alone a whole family--we just didn't want to burden you with a newborn to watch during the day. We're sure babykins will still get to see plenty of you, seeing as how you pop in to visit 5 times a week."

I'll Say It.

2010-07-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Kasey asks:

Hi. How do I get my boyfriend to give me a promise ring? We love each other sooo much but my friends don't believe it because he hasn't given me a ring yet. They think I should leave him if I don't have a ring by the time school starts in the fall. He says that he can't afford one, but he can afford to buy all kinds of stuff to trick out his truck.

Promise rings are dumb. Ignoring the fact that getting "engaged to get engaged" is completely meaningless, couples who are still in school have no business committing to anything further off than prom.

If you love him as much as you say, then your friends shouldn't have so much influence over your decision to stay or leave. If the ridiculous trinket is more important to you than the relationship, it's time to move on.

It's a "Not Wanting to Drive Home in Sweaty Clothes" Thing

2010-07-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Stacy asks:

My husband loves going to the locker room at our gym and I find it disturbing. I hate using the locker room and avoid it at all costs. He sometimes goes straight to the gym after work and needs to use it to change, but sometimes (like if he comes home to pick me up before we go together) he has plenty of opportunity to change clothes at home but doesn't. I'm afraid it means that he is attracted to men although I have no evidence of this and our sexual relationship is thriving. I've tried casually asking things like "what are you doing in there for so long?" and "is this just a man thing?" and he blows me off or gets annoyed. I'm scared to just come out and ask the big question. Any advice?

I think you're overreacting. If your husband was interested in men, I he would seek better places to go look at them. If he starts "working late" or you start noticing charges from the local male strip club on your credit card statements, you have my permission to worry.

Some people just like to be able to change back into their street clothes when they finish working out. If he changes at home before he goes to the gym, that just means he can't change after his workout, which he may find uncomfortable. Let this be an issue where you agree to disagree.

A 'Thank You' Would Have Been Just Fine

2010-07-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Polite asks:

What would be the polite thing to do? I sent a friend some flowers as a thank you for watching my cat while I was on an impropmtu trip. This friend is very critical and always find the negative in anything, so I always expect criticisms. I was just stuck at the time and she was helpful and available.

Well, the flowers came wilted. She called me to tell me she got the flowers, but they were such poor quality so she called the florist to complain and they are sending mea refund.

While I appreciate her efforts, it was embarassing to know that my gift was not well recieved. Should I just suck it up because I am overreacting, or (if this were to happen to me) was my friend wrong in how she handled the situation? She told me not to send flowers like that anymore because you never know what you'll get. Now I don't know if other people have hated my floral delivery or if it is just her.

Did she bother to thank you for the thought? I can understand where your friend may have felt she was doing you a service by letting you know that you deserved a refund for the wilted flowers. However, this is a situation where you have to tread carefully. It's one thing to call you up and say, "It was so nice of you to send me flowers, you really didn't need to do anything. I did want to let you know in case you use this company often, that the flowers came to me wilted." It's another thing to say, "I got your flowers and they just looked awful, so I took it upon myself to call the company and give them a piece of my mind." She could have also requested that the florist send a replacement, rather than refunding your money. Then she wouldn't have had to embarrass you by essentially giving back your gift.

On the bright side, now you do know that the florist you use is unreliable, and next time you can choose someone else.

Personally, this woman sounds ungracious enough that I wouldn't feel obligated to replace the gift. You made a good-faith offer of a thank-you, and she didn't accept it. Let the issue drop, and don't ask for her help again.

If you still feel the need to be the bigger person and provide your friend with some kind of compensation for helping you out, I'd take the money that got refunded and purchase her a gift card to a place you know she likes. Impersonal, yes, but at least gift cards don't wilt, and it could be what she was angling for all along.

I'll Have What She's Having

2010-07-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Julie asks:

Do you have any tips for dealing with jealousy? When a co-worker goes on vacation I get so jealous that it makes me sick even if I just came back from vacation two weeks ago. And when a friend gets married, has a baby or buys a house, I have trouble being truly happy for them because of how badly I want those things, too. I know that I lead a good life and have a lot to be thankful for, but I can't help always comparing myself to others and coming up short.

It definitely sounds like the level of jealousy you're experiencing is debilitating. If good things happening to other people makes you sick, you may want to seek the services of a professional.

In the near term, the most important thing to focus on is not letting your feelings influence your actions. You may already be doing this, and if so, you're on the right track. There's no faster way to ruin a friendship than to be the one constantly dumping on another's good fortune. So don't go quoting divorce statistics to the friend who just announced her engagement.

The best way to deal is to put on a happy face, and then focus your energy on setting your own goals and achieving them, rather than comparing yourself to others. Make a list of places you want to see, and keep a lookout for cheap vacation packages. Start saving for a down payment on a house, and squirrel away a little money every month so you know it's a goal you're working toward. You don't have as much control over marriage and babies, but you can remind yourself that weddings are more fun when you're a guest than when you're the bride, and friends' babies are easy to give back when they start to cry.

You said yourself that you have a lot to be thankful for. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are jealous of your job, vacations, and unencumbered single life. Enjoy what you have while you have it, and then when all those other things come along, you'll appreciate them even more.

Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!

2010-07-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Sherrie asks:

Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?

In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.

# # #

Callie writes:

I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.

As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.

# # #

Just Curious asks:

I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?

You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.

# # #

And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!

I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?

Things You Never Think About

2010-07-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

Sneezy asks:

Why is it that facial tissue manufacturers are constantly changing their box designs. Sometimes I find a box that I think is especially pretty or that fits my bathroom decor especially well and all I can do is buy what they have on the shelf at that time. The same box is never, ever, there if I come back in a month needing more. Is tissue box designer a job with very high turnover?

Unfortunately, I don't really have an answer for you. I couldn't find any job postings online for tissue box designers, so either the turnover isn't that high or it's one of those niche fields that you have to know someone to get into. I imagine that if you're employed full time as a tissue box designer, though, that you'd want to come up with as many designs as possible to convince the company to keep paying you.

The last time I bought tissues it was a huge case from Costco. I think they've lasted us about a year. The designs on those boxes are all similar but in different colors, so I use specific colors for different rooms in the house. I suppose going with the discount brands could solve your problem, since they don't spend as much money on box design, the pattern turnaround is probably slower, and buying in large quantities of course means lots of a particular design.

Alternatively, a quick google search revealed that you can special order custom designed tissue boxes from Kleenex. Sadly, the design program runs on Windows, and I have a Mac, so I can't vouch for how well it works. The service is pricey--$4.99 per box--but if you're very concerned about your tissues matching your decor, you may find this worth it.

Finally, you could invest in a tissue box cover. Then it doesn't matter what the tissues look like.

Yes

2010-07-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Anonymous asks:

So what do you think, you get what you pay for?

$27 Netbook on Ebay

Well, if you're going to use it, I guess it's a great deal. Obviously, this isn't the computer you'd store your music library on, or even run more than a web browser and maybe a text editor on. With a 2Gb hard drive and 300 Mhz processor you're basically talking about a desktop circa 1999 shrunk down to seven inches. But if all you want is something portable that gets you a slow connection to the web, why not?

I'd personally save for a few more weeks and at least get one from one of the bigger brands. About $250 will get you something comparable to a full-sized laptop.

Another thing to consider: will typing on that tiny little keyboard eventually cost you more in treatment for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? That's enough to have me shelling out a little extra.

EDIT: corrected RAM to processor.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say....

2010-07-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

Shelby writes:

I recently and stupidly told my husband about some unsavory things a friend of mine said about him. I thought it was not serious, but my hubs was offended and would like me not to spend time with this person who he thinks does not have respect for him or my relationship with him. It's my fault for complaining, but she did say these things. Should I respect my husband's wishes or should I tell him that this is my friend and deal with it?

Why do you want to still be friends with someone who insulted your husband?

I don't know that your husband has the right to forbid you to see someone (mine doesn't), but I'm sure he's speaking from his hurt feelings and not from rationality. He probably doesn't understand why you didn't stand up for him, why you didn't tell your "friend" where she could shove her insults, and is trying to cause her the same pain she's caused him.

Because not only did you not stand up for him, you came running home to tell him that someone had said something nasty about him. What would you do if the situation were reversed?

I think you should apologize to your husband and consider whether or not this person is truly a friend after all. And if you decide to keep her in your life, you need to make it crystal clear that denigrating your spouse is not going to fly anymore.

You chose this man: please treat him kindly.

They're Niceties, Not Trutheties

2010-07-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

Gretchen writes:

I always have too much food at lunch, and more often than not I ask a coworker if she'd like to share. She usually says yes, and follows it up with "I owe you lunch one of these days!". I never offer part of my lunch in the hopes of getting anything in return, but she's never actually made good on her promise. next time I offer lunch and she feigns her follow up offer to get me back, should I tell her when to get lunch for me, or do I just nod and say Okay knowing full well she'll never follow through with her promise? It is not why I share. I just bring in good food and often will have too much for just myself.

If you don't mind sharing, and do it so as not to waste what you probably won't eat later, I'd just let this go. She probably does, truly, intend to return your kindness at some point, but the constant repetition is probably on par with saying, "Fine" when someone asks, "How are you?" You may or may not be fine, but that's the standard answer to give if you want to have a smooth social interaction.

Likewise, expressing her gratitude and acknowledging that she should reciprocate is your coworker's version of "Fine". She's happy to share if you offer, and she wants you to know that she understands the social conventions surrounding that offer. It may sound weird for her to keep repeating, but I think she probably is using it as a way to remind herself that she owes you one.

If you'd like to offer her the opportunity, you can always suggest lunch out of the office one day. "Hey, Coworker, how about we try that great little Thai place on the corner on Friday? I've been dying to have someone to go with." I'll bet she makes good on her "I'll buy" promise if you provide her the opportunity.

In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

2010-07-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The signers of the Declaration represented the new states as follows:

New Hampshire

Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts

John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island

Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut

Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York

William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey

Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania

Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware

Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland

Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia

George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina

William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina

Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia

Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

For additional information about the Declaration of Independence, see these sites:

Happy Fourth!

Catholics Aren't the Best People to Ask About This

2010-07-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

Lady writes:

I have a question which is going to pertain to something having to do with my husband and family and all the like but mostly probably myself. I am trying to be a very virtuous woman as the Bible does instruct me to but my husband likes me to not be so virtuous in ways I do not think the bible likes. For instance he likes me to wear lewd clothing that does not allow for modesty even though I know that the whores on the Vegas strip are most likely the women he wants me to start to look like for fun even though it is only in the house he wants me to be so provocative. Have you ever see these women who dress as if they are going swimming at any moment because these are the women he probably likes for me to aspire to so you know what I mean. Their shorts may as well be underwear and their top may as well not be there and a virtuous woman dresses in another way and has class. If we have children this will not make for an excellent example of modesty and womanhood and female ways of perperness. Thank you!

Well, Lady, you're quite welcome.

If I'm understanding correctly, I think what you're asking is if it's considered Biblically proper to dress in provocative lingerie for your husband.

Because I'm not an expert on literal Scripture interpretation, I looked up what I could about Bible references to lingerie. What I found was that the Good Book doesn't reference dressing for sexual purposes directly - in fact, the Bible doesn't say very much specifically about sexual habits at all. The Marriage Bed, a site for married Christian couples, outlines what the Bible has to say about sexuality within marriage, and it doesn't look like lingerie should be considered a problem.

The Bible does seem to have quite a lot to say on the subject of modesty, but none of it has to do with the marital relationship.

I think that if your husband's request truly bothers you on a spiritual level, you should seek some answers from your clergyman; he'll be able to guide you and your husband to a happy compromise in this matter.

My own opinion is that there is nothing improper in wearing something visually enticing for your husband. Good sex helps build a good marriage, and good sex thrives on novelty. Different positions, different clothing, different locations - all of these help keep the spice in your relationship. Don't be afraid to experiment with new ways of expressing your love.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Not Just For Fatties Anymore

2010-07-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

Alan asks:

Can I use Desitin to prevent chafing in the heat, or is it only for infants?

Ah, yes, the dreaded chub rub. Anyone whose thighs touch has certainly felt the sandpapery chafing, most common in the summer months, when sweat and general stickiness contributes to a perfect storm of awfulness.

There are a ton of solutions for chub rub. I've never heard Desitin mentioned, but baby powder, body lotion, and commercially-available anti-chafing creams are usually the first solutions. I would try anything you think might work, but I haven't had any luck with topical cures.

I've had to go with simply wearing pants for most of the summer, but when a skirt is necessary or wished-for, there are other options. A lot of people wear Spanx or other long-line shaping garments. If that's your thing, great, but I can think of few things I'd like less than trying to pull on a girdle in 90+-degree heat - and then having to wear it for the rest of the day, sweating all the while. Girdles, while very useful in certain instances, are not very breathable, and certainly not very summer-friendly.

No, for those days that simply insist on breezy peasant skirts and sweet eyelet dresses, you can try cotton bike shorts, men's boxer briefs, or Thigh Society underwear.

Please write back and let us know how the Desitin works!